one more kick in the face.......

well here we go again we got a month before our place comes up and low and behold we have nowhere to live again, thought the people we moved in with were cool but they aint they turned out to be a bunch of users like everyone else in our life so far we have spent 150 bucks in 2 weeks feeding 5 people when we were only suppose to be feeding us and mike.....say something and here we sit in 6 days we gotta be out all because Tyrone said that we were not their house maid and we were not their grocery store....seems to be typical of our life lately anyway not much more to say just hoping and praying we make it a month

ok bloggin a bit

ok so here goes,

im alive all tha rest are alive but to say we are doin ok would be a lie, we have now moved 5 hours away from everythin we know an trust to a place we know nuthin about an dont know anyone which sucks BIG TIME but....we didnt have a choice in tha matter inside was hell outside was hell an we were 2 steps from bein locked up in tha phych ward for a breakdown not cool.....we do have our own place set up but cant get it till sept 1st which right now is an eternity away but we are dealin one day at a time, We did get ta keep tater so that was cool but had ta give up tha fish an tha hamster but thats life still wit mike he aint bad now but he almost got choked out a month ago but that was his families fault well i should go cuz well we are very tired an livin hell inside wit flashbacks/bady memories/gettin stuck back there/ oh an tha voices thats another story for later interestin but weird well see ya

Tyrell Adrian Adams

yet another update

well not as good as the last one and it doesnt seem like many care but thats ok Raine does and thats all that matters to us right now at this point. not being rude but hey thats life. mikes mom passed away on the 17th of last month and all hell broke lose now we need to get out and get out now because of his family they are pushing and not letting up bank said no to the morgage cant find a home to live in they are selling this one and our car is screwed. had to sell the sled to fix the car and still did not get enough to fix whats wrong. hurt our back now we are on 3 more meds for pain have to have x-rays on monday. pension wont pay for a back brace and they are like 400 dollars here so yeah all our friends moved away and now we are alone, they are to far away to drive to and we cant afford the gas anyway, to much pain to sit at the comp for a long period of time so here it is like the last one said if you want to talk to us text us and we can come on but unless that happens you wont see us

Jack T K

update

ok here it is well first off our comp died 2 months ago havent had one since but got a cell so we can be text still if anyone cares lol comp should be running tonight at some point, we have our own car now along with a lisence lmao most of our bills are gone we dont owe anyone sept ron and well we always owe him so its normal. bought a 4 by 4 truck to haul our new sleds around working on getting a morgage for our own home banks being a jerk but "good things come to those who wait" or so im told. we now have 50 baby fish along with all the other fish we already had plus a hamster that bites (little jerk) our best friend julie is moving 5 hours away to finally make herself happy with her new b/f ( im proud of her) brothers are moving to calgary b/f's good we are good the weather has alot to do with it i think its beautiful here our dog is good sister in law had her baby Cathrine Grace 7 pounds 13 ounces born april 2nd anyway will post more later have things to do on the go all the time later

Wonderings part 2

 Do fish fart?
Does dirt have feelings?
do snails get mad cause they can only go slow?
do skunks wish they didnt stink?
do giraffifs get sore necks?
do bears actually like fish or do they eat it cause they have to?
does garbage decompose after 1000 years?
do people in coma actually hear you speaking to them?
do dogs get headaches?
do hummingbirds wings get tired?
when dogs chase their tails is it for fun or is it cause they dont know what it is?
why do cats love catnip so much?
why do fiddler crabs only walk sideways?
does it hurt when a porcupine loses its quills?
why do old men grow hair out of their ears?
do dust mites have a brain?
do spiders ever get tired of making really pretty webs?
do rats like living in the sewers?
does the blood in a possum rush to its head from hanging upside down?
why do bats always turn left coming out of a cave?

yet another post

 well well well this seems like an interesting place to write some things so here goes....

i have sat back the last few months in observence of the system as they are and im leary on how things run up here, now i come from deep within and things there are run with a very tight regiment and to violate that results in action that well to say the least is not very pleasing. We have all ages there and in total there is about 30 or so of us. Everyone there has their title and duty and they are to follow them to the T without mistake.I have noticed up here things are different and that it still seems to somewhat run smoothly for the most part ( not counting lately) Now what i dont understand is if someone here acts out or is misbehaving the punishment is minimal and there is no severity to it at all. How does this work? Our entire life was based around severity and torturous means to get us "with the program" and yet up here at front it is not run like that at all and it puzzles me as to why. Here at front perfection is not high on the list, proper edicate is also not on the list and when showering up front it is ok to have warm water and normal soap and shampoo, pets are allowed, crying is allowed many many many things we were taught was against the rules have been over turned up front and its free range talking is also allowed here. And it makes me wonder what happen to the designated rules we were taught growing up. It has all seemed to vanish and in its place ( at very front anyway) is some smiling faces and some content people. Now do i take these findings back to where i come from and try to set them there or will it create a bigger problem then needed or wanted by those who live there?

Sean

what we have discovered

We seem to have discovered that we have slowly become shut ins of a sorts, We do not leave our bedroom. We shower and its back to the bedroom, We eat and usually we make it and eat it in our room, We do the house chores then its back to our room and that is where we live our life. in a room about 20 feet by 8 feet. This has become our home for some reason and i dont understand why. We leave it to go to the outside world and find ourselves within an hour panicing because we have been out of our room for so long. The family and friends wonder what has happen to us because they ask us to come visit and most times we say we are busy when really we just dont want to leave our room. We do go out on occasion but only to find we get very panicy and scared this is the first time this has ever happened to us we normally love the outside world, the sunshine the fresh air the sounds all of it is so calming yet for the last few months the outside world has become very terrifieing and we do not understand why it has come to be this way. I find us getting very depressed in this tiny little cramped up room but depression is a whole lot more easier to deal with then the anziety and panic we feel when we leave it. Inside has become very very quiet and not to many are around at this point in time. we got word today that our disability has come through and we will be recieving it in a month or so, That is suppose to be great news to all but it seems the news has settled and it has made us very depressed. I believe it to be because that means that they reconize us as who we are and they dont want us around "normal" people so to speak. we have one real life friend who knows all about us good and bad and some online friends but thats about it. I do not understand this deep sadness running through the system and i sure dont like how it feels on me as a person. I know the h*l*days are coming and that is a part of why the sadness is there but it should not feel like this at all not now. Our T is gone and will not be back till january 3 and did not leave a number for us to call. The b/f keeps asking what is wrong and we have to say nothing because we honestly just dont know. He doesnt know about us as a system yet for fear of the all famous rejection we have gotten so many times in our life. We know we should tell him eventually but we have only been with him 8 months and we find that way to early to tell right now. Tyrone says wait a year and see what happens. The topic of int*rgr*tion came up at last nights meeting and all seem to be thinking about it we really do not have a life on the outside like some systems do because of living in such a small town EVERYONE knows "Wolf" and if "she" acts out of "normal" behaviour people are calling and asking whats going on and blah blah blah so we hide away and when we manage to get time completly alone then the littles, middles and teens can have their time out. That is not what i call a life, It is not fair but we through the idea out and if anyone feels they want to just "meld" so to speak that is their choice noone is forcing anyone to do anything. I am guessing next year we may be a little bit happier but i am not holding my breath on it because our life has never been easy there is always consiquences when something good happens to us, We got our disability sooooooo when does the bad hit.........We are just sitting quietly waiting for it thats all we can do. I tried to leave the house today to go into town and the anzity hit me so bad that Wesley had to take over to get us back in the house. I have spoken to the Guardians about this and they seem to think some are moving closer to front which could be the cause of the anziety/panic. Only time will tell what is going on. The littles are very upset at this point because we put a bunch of baby fish in with our goldfish so they could have room to grow and it seems the goldfish have eaten all but 5 of the babies. Goldfish are not suppose to do that but these ones did and now we have very upset littles because the babies are "gone". We are burnt out because the b/f is sick and we have been trying to look after him and of course steady watch at front plus the h*l*days and our best protector is still down has been for a few months now and we have no idea when hes coming back if he is at all. We have also learned that outside the T we have no actual support system ( people wise ) Those who we thought were friends are now talking with other people and do not have time for us. It is not a big deal as far as i see it because as far as my own personal opinion goes the less people we 
talk to the less chance of being hurt. Others do not see my way of thinking and its a shame really
because i can see them getting hurt again and again and again until they give up totally and lock
themselves away forever. Well i am going to close for now

Shailea

just a post

well havent really seen much of anyone around lately....yesterday saw Raine and sera online but both marked as away and then they disappeared....mindy dont come on much if at all and well Sj seems to have vanished off the face of this earth. The above list is all the online people we talk to and in real life we talk to the b/f and very rare the family. so i guess now we know how sera was feeling when her schedule didnt meet anyone elses and she felt so alone. That is how we are starting to feel but with us for the most part (well the ones who sit front now) our life was based on silence it was safer that way and believe it still is. We at front dont mind the silence but others within who are lacking their communication with others are starting to feel the effects of it. They only trust a select few people and those people are gone or so it seems that way to them anyway. Holidays are rough and busy and not much time is slotted for much of anything except chr*stm*s many people feel the same way or worse so in that aspect we dont feel alone. Tyrone predicted this was going to happen because as read in a post somewhere not long ago when the chatrooms disappeared so did those who said they were friends for the most part. Everyone has also as said in a post "gotten a life of sorts" and that to plays a roll in this place and time we call "life" we have a life plan ahead but we are playing the waiting game right now and cant make a move till most likely next year then things may break for us for the good this time. But we have also been told not to get our hopes up to high incase things dont go as hopefully planned. the holidays are sneaking up very very fast and we finally a week before the day we got a "holiday safety plan" in effect for us as a system. It seems to be working for the time being and i am glad for that soon the stress will be gone and we can get back to our "normal" life and start working on the things ahead. Hope all is well with anyone who reads this post please take care and be safe

Wesley

why?

 ok this is just a ramble.....

why? why is it that so many people love christmas so much? i mean you have to spend hundreds of dollars on presents for people and most of the time they dont even appreciate it, or they do but only use their gift 3-5 times and then its packed away for years and years to come and eventually it becomes a 10 dollar yard sale item. the stores jack up their prices to make proffit and to just plain out take people for all they can and yet people still pay astronomical prices just to make their loved ones happy. it has all become a money grabbing fake holiday filled with people that push and shove and get extremly stressed out all over one day of the year. you spend hours cooking and cleaning setting stuff up for people to not even notice half the time and all this fuss and muss for one whole day then you have an entire year of trying to catch up on bills and things you missed or set aside just for one day that 9 times out of 10 gave you a bad stomache and possibly gain 10-15 pounds that you now have to spend 6 months trying to get rid of. you spend prolly 20-30 dollars on christmas cards alone just so people can read them and a couple of days 
later they end up in the garbage. it just doesnt make any sence to me at all spend
money you dont have on people who dont appreciate it and most times you dont even get a
thank you in return, family comes together and if your family is like mine 1/2 hour in the same room and a fight breaks out over who spent more on who and how many presents each other got.
then its on to supper that someone always has to complain about and then the mess afterwards that needs to be cleaned up. then its pack up all your stuff go home and clean there, put stuff away drink a bottle or 2 of pepto bismal then its to bed to dream about all the money you lost and think of ways you have to work it back up so your bills can get paid and things can go back to semi normal. my personal opinion is its all a waste of time and money and its not worth the time or the effort to do it all but they do it it because its expected of you and thats pretty much the only reason we do it i wish we could just wake up and it be over and never come back.

wonderings.....(if thats a word lol)

 ok this blog is not looking for answers or anything just a couple of things i wonder about is all....

i wonder if fish sleep?
if they do, do they dream?
if so, what would they dream about?
do they like each other  ( of the same species) or do they tolorate each other?
do they like the other fish their with or again is it a toloration?
what do they think when they see us staring at them?
when you cry does your dog know your crying or is it just an instinct to comfort you?
do they really care or is it just because?
why do you cry when you get VERY frustrated or sometimes angry?
why do some people base their entire life on what they look like?
why do some people base their life around how much money they make?
and why do they like to rub it in other peoples faces?
why are some people really really poor?
why dont people like helping other people anymore?
why do people get obsessed with certain things and not others?
why do people read when going to the bathroom?
why can people move one eyebrow at a time when other people cant?
why do people bite their nails?
why do people drink coffee?
why are some people vegitarians?
why are some people strictly meat eaters?
what causes people to have phobias?
why are some peoples houses messy/cluttered and others are spotless?
why to some people are matirial objects more important then their family/friends?
why do some people get sad in the winter time but not in the summer?
why do dogs lay on their backs?
why do some people beat other people up for no reason?
why do some people make fun of other people?
why is it people ask for your opinion but never take it seriously?
why do some people make a great big deal out of another person making a mistake?
and then they tell everyone how much of a screw up you are?
why do people like hurting animals?
why do some people enjoy hurting little kids?
and why do they get away with it most times?
why do they say the justice system is for the victim when really its not?
why do some people prefer to live their life in solitude?
why do some people prefer to live with people 24/7?
why do some people get mental illness while other people dont?
why do some people get physical illness when others dont?
why do some people live a really long time, yet other die really young?
why is it some people prefer music over t.v and vise versa?
why is it you can become really good friends with someone thousands of miles away but cant be friends with someone who lives five minutes away?
why do some people get on with their life and leave their friends/family behind?
why can some people learn things really fast where others take a really long time to learn anything?
why is it the rich get richer and the poor get poorer?
why do some parents beat their kids on a regular basis, where others only do it once?
and when they do it once it most of the time results in death?
why can some people be friends for a lifetime yet others only a few months?
why do some people feel the need to be in total and complete control?
and yet others feel the need to be controlled?

if you can answer any of these questions thats cool or even just your opinion is cool to this is the end of my wonderings for now

Yerning

not that it matters much......an update

not to sure how or why im writing this because i personally dont think it matters much.....life in a whole right now is shitty very very shitty...not due to the old man but due to other rising issues that just wont go away and only seem to get worse. the h*lidays are coming very very close and well noone within can deal with it and i mean pretty much noone they s*ck in the worst way possible. we have no money to get presents for anyone including the little ones and the middles because of bills that HAD to be paid so christmas is not going to be good for them at all. we have heard nothing of our settlement and the hearing was the 16th of last month. the old mans family is backstabbing us continueously and the elders are becoming leary of someone fronting and doing damage control to his family and we dont want or need that right now. Wolf's family is all breaking up for the holidays and we really dont want to spend them with the old mans family so i think we are going to just take off somewhere till its over. we dont come online much if at all because there is noone ever on to talk to anymore. the system depression as a whole is getting worse and we have done med increase and we are also doing the special lighting because according to the pychiatrist we ( some of us anyway) suffer from S.A.D ( it stands for something but i cant remember it right now) so we have to use a light for half an hour in the morning and half an hour before bed to "bring up our mood" anyway will write more later mabye till them later.

Jozolynn

i feel so alone.....

 ok well here it is not to sure what to think about anything anymore our life is a drone, The only action/fun we have is when Tyrell is out and about and well that never has ended good so far but i will say it is amusing seeing him "do his thing" when he does go out. It makes the elders angry to a degree because of his behaviour but hell he seems to be the only one who knows what fun looks like. 90% of the time we sit on the bed and do absolutly nothing and i mean nothing. We have no bike and walking to town is good as long as you can walk for atleast 1 1/2 to 2 hours just to get there. I tried and got very bored and came home. I guess you could call it spiced up when we watch a movie but hell we do that all the damn time, We stopped visiting people because we have enough drama in our life to do 10 life times without adding to it. Wolf has got to the point where when she comes out its either to cry or fight with someone (usually her family) and that always ends up with her in tears and us trying to pick her up for weeks afterwards.  the b/f well hes a whole other story, He drinks and occasionally smokes pot which hey keeps alot of the insider "outkasts" mellow to the point where they can be tolorated to an extent. He's really not a bad guy but i find him weird and he has little to no sense of humor. Raven dotes on him hand and foot and i dont agree with that at all, He is a full grown man and can stand on his own 2 feet but i think she is afraid that not doing the things she does will cause her to be alone again and Raven does not have the personality to be "without" a partner. I personally think that men are useless in the sence where they have no mind of their own (the ones i have met anyway) And i dont like that attribute in a person. You should be able to stand up for yourself and tell people off when they bug you or irritate you and Mike wont, His entire family walks on him and he lets them away with it THAT aggrivates me to no end. I have talked to him about it but nothing has changed and probably never will. I seem to be the only one within this system that feels this way and thats why i have the title for this post. Im a thinker i think about everything all the time and alot of people are for some reason bugged by this. I am clueless as to why because thinking is a good thing to me anyway but people in general just dont get it they always ask me "why do you think so much" or i get asked "what are you thinking" and when i answer with the word "everything" people look at me like im from another planet( maybe i am you never know) When i try to name of the things im thinking about after about the 15th item they say "ok i get the point" and walk away. ( shakes head) And that in itself makes me think "why do people ask questions they really dont want an answer to" or "why bother asking if you dont really care" I am me im this way for a reason i guess as everyone is the way they are for a reason. I dont know why i think so much about so many different things i just do and its who i am as a person. I wonder about things and usually want to know the answer to it so as im thinking im trying to figure out the "why" in what i am thinking for example "why did our betta fish named weirdo chew off all his back fins" I went looking for the answer and found it, Was because he was stressed and thats what bettas do if they get stressed they chew on their fins till they cant reach them anymore. Now i dont think about that anymore. I think of our life next year, " will mike still be in it or will he take a hike like all the rest" or " will we have enough money next year to buy a home" or "whats it going to be like to run our own home" or "will everyone work together as a team to make it happen or will they divide and destroy as we have in the past" or " will we be able to afford our own home" or " will we have help to move" or "who is going to do what when we get there" or "who is going to take care of the actual house buying" or "will we ever get our grade 12" Anyway i could go on and on and on but that is what kind of person i am always looking at things to either fix or figure them out, I have been told by alot of people i am complicated but i cant see it personally i just like to think about things and figure them out if i can nothing to big about that. Is there anyone else out there who is like this or am i really a freak from another planet because thats how i feel sometimes.

AnoLynn

damnit

Tyrell is back to excesive drinking again and fighting with everyone, I am beginning to wonder if he is just to far gone to bring back. I have been with him his entire life and he has been through alot but everytime we get over a hurdle he hits another dead on. I do not want to give up on him but he is becoming a hazzard to not only himself but the outside world also. I just cannot have him run wild but i also know he is a very good protector and an asset to the system as a whole. We need him but to what cost?? Is he to damaged to bring back??? Or should i just let him go as a person and send him where he cannot hurt himself or others on perpose or by accident??? Can we as a system handle to lose our strongest most firce protector???? Especially this time a year??? Can he come back again? All these questions and yet i have not been able to come up with an accurate answer to settle my heart and mind. I feel as if i am losing my best friend in the entire world and i am lost as to how to deal with it. I do not want to lose my best friend but i cannot risk the system's safety either. I am lost and torn and do not know which way to turn anymore....

Tyrone

 not to sure how much more i can take journal. Tommy started his shit again yesterday caused a big argument and i actually felt bad for mary cause she started to cry because of it. Well then today AFTER my baby turned over 420 bucks to her he asked if he could borrow some money ( which he always pays back ) And got a flat out NO. Well he got mad and i dont blame him a bit for it he has done everything for that woman and since tommy moved in he has been treated like a bag of shit by her. I lost total respect for her the last time they got into it and she stuck up for tommy and today was no different at all. She stuck up for him again and in the end me and mike were garbage and he was champ. She called my baby an asshole and a bastard also said she was gonna call the cops on him. She then proceeds to say she is not going to give me my rent receits like she is suppose to and she wont give mike his either. She is a backstabbing two faced bitch and she has some serious mental problems to go along with it. My brother was going to come up and fix the van so she wouldnt have to pay out an astronomical amount of money to canadian tire to fix it and now i am going to tell him not to bother because she sat right in the kitchen and said "why should i let someone who doesnt know what their doing touch my van". She dont know shit about my family and i thank her to quit draggin them into the problems around here. She then proceeded to pick on jade and say that jade eats 2/3rds of the food in the house EXCUSE FUCKING ME!!! she is the one that feeds her half the time not us. but of course have to pick on a dog cause we are mad. Then take it out on me at the same time and i had nothing to do with it at all it was between her and mike. If tommy asks for money he gets it, if he asks for smokes he gets them, Anything he asks for he gets it and mike gets treated like shit its not right and its not fair to him. He has done nothing but help that woman out and tommy gets the glory for it. Soon as morning hits im callin ron to come get me so i can call about a house it may be back in the bush but anything is better then here right now. Im getting a stress rash on my arm because of the shit and thats when i know enough is enough. It just boggles my mind how she can be like that toward the person who has been there for her the most. I didnt see tommy here in the winter shovelling, I didnt see tommy walking to town for her meds when she ran out, I didnt see tommy in the house asking if she was ok or if she needed anything. And yet in the end this is the thanks. Well fuck you lady im sick of the shit, I gotta call JP tomorrow, I gotta wait for my lawyer to phone then i gotta phone the lady about the house and pick up a paper to look at for houseing. I CANT LIVE HERE ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant sit back and watch my baby be treated like shit and NOT say anything its getting harder and harder to do. I now understand what they were trying to tell me when they warned me about her, Well trust me when we move words will be said and that will be that. His whole family will be told off and that will be the end of the story. I dont want anything to do with any of them at all ever. my lawyer is calling tomorrow to get a statement about the joe thing and after that my hearing is nov 16th. When i get my money if it is enough im going to put a down payment on a house for me and my baby and then we will be settled for housing and money for a bit hopefully. Im not looking forward to my phone call tomorrow at all and im guessing between that and the already added stress here thats why im still awake. My baby had to take a remeron just to go to sleep and thats not fair to him concidering before he didnt need to be medicated to go to sleep that was before tommy and his shit moved in. Anyway im gonna close it here and try and sleep i guess.

Raven

 well here i sit at 4am wondering how i managed to get stuck in this kind of mess yet again. I'm not really sure what to make of it all except that i cant live here much longer or im gonna end up back in jail. It seems that things have a tendency to crash down around me at any given moment and there is nothing i can do to stop it. Im really bafelled by it all because everything was going along smooth until tommy moved in the house then all hell broke lose. Mike gave up everything that was dear to him to come back here and help his mom and the thanks he got in return was basically a smack in the face. I dont find that fair or right in my books but he has asked me to mind my P's and Q's so we dont get kicked out and i will do as he asks im just not sure how long i can do it for. I tried tonight to download something on the net and 5 times tomm picked up the phone on perpose, When i caught him he tried to act like he was doing nothing wrong, Then him and mike got into a screaming match and tommy left. Mike tried talking to his mom and well to be honest that was like talking to a wall, Tommy has her so far wrapped that she cant see what is going on and in the end the only one who is going to pay for it is Mary. It's not right but i will not sit back idle and watch my might as well say husband be treated like a bag of shit by a no good piece of dog meat like tommy it just is not gonna happen. I have tried my best to fit in here and just mind my buisness but holy fuck a person can only take so much of the shit. I use to go to bingo with mary, watch t.v with her, watch movies with her and we use to sit at the table till 2am just talking and honestly i really do miss all of that but i also will not tolorate being in the same room as tommy or stay in a room he might come into. my baby right now is sleeping but it is not a restful sleep he keeps kicking and swatting me for some reason hence why i am up and at the comp. he does not deserve this and it breaks my heart to watch him go through it and know there is nothing i can do to make it easier. In five hours we are suppose to go look at a place to live and i do hope and prey we get it, It may only be for eight months but right now its better then living here atleast he wont be treated like a piece of shit on our own and god better help the first person who tries it cause it will be our home and i will have every right to kick their sorry asses out and they will be told never to come back. I will not sit idle and watch it happen in our own home NOT gonna happen. Jade is even feeling the effects of living here she has become very skiddy and withdrawn and i dont like that at all plus its not fair for her to be locked up in this god forsaken room 24/7 but it has come to that because of tommys bullshit. my baby is doing his best to figure a way out of here but 1 person can only do so much and well he is just that 1 single person. This afternoon was awesome we went to rob and bonnies and mike helped greg and ron put the struts in the van while bonnie me and gina sat on the porch and talked. When they were done they came up and rob came out of the house then we all sat on the porch talking about everything under the sun, There was no stress no yelling or scream it was great, Then we came back here and all was good for a bit then all hell broke lose. I just stood in the kitchen with Jade by my side doing dishes and trying to calm her down. I had a shower and i dont know i feel like i came down on mike for some stuff and i didnt really mean to it was just that i was hot and pissed off because of tommys shit, Which isnt mikes fault but he listened and we talked but i think when he gets up im gonna apologize for what i said cause it really wasnt fair to him for me to take it out on him knowing its not his fault. He knows i love him and it makes me madder by the day to see the one i love with all my heart to be walked on and kicked around like a dirty rag you find in a mud puddle somewhere. Everytime it happens i want to speak up and say something but i know damn well the moment i do his mom will boot my ass out the door quicker then you can blink. So i sit and watch it happen holding my tongue and feeling my ulsers get worse by the day all because i am stuck between a rock and a hard place, But im telling you once we move that will be it i WILL have my say and if they dont like it to bad for them. I am sick and tired of people treating my baby like shit and soon enough i am going to put a complete and total stop to it, If people think im a big bitch well let them think what they want they will eventually learn not to walk on my husband because i wont allow it i dont care who they are, friends, my family his family NOONE will walk on him as long as i am around to stop it. He has been treated like a bag of shit his whole life and it is going to come to an end and if people dont like me because of it well i didnt really want them as friends anyway. and you wait till the next time i see sandra she is gonna get a blast from me the stupid ignorant piece of shit she has ripped him off for the last fucking time to along with diane. anyway i guess i should sign off here and try to get some sleep maybe my baby will calm down enough for me to sleep beside him

Raven
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Just a message

ok im not naming this post until the end of it because i am not sure what it should be titled. I was pushed to the front and made my way out to be in the world they call "real" and was confronted by a whole new set of problems and issues. Inside is in turmoil right now because of body memories and they are feeding into Wolf which is causing a major issue with her. I was trying to deal with that and now i must deal with outside issues as well. The house that we are living in has a stress level that is through the roof because of the people living in it who are creating it. Namely the boyfriend's brother. I am not sure what i am suppose to do about the situation but i have spoken with the mother of the house and that was no help at all. She basically told me it was in my head what was going on and that there was no issue. I then spoke with the boyfriend and he explained what was happening so i added all that up and along with everything going on within now i know why everything is happening within. I have called on some of my helpers within to control the inner world and now i must figure out how to control the outter world. This in itself will not be an easy task because i myself do not know anything about what is going on within this world and our surroundings. I did however meet Wolf's family tonight and they seem like a good bunch of people to be with. Alot has changed since last i was front. I have spoke with Tyrone about what has been happening within and he said he would see what he can do about helping me gather information on what is truly going on and how we can fix it. Until then i can only try to stay relaxed and calm then work through and find a solution to our problem in the outter world.

~~~MASON~~~

here i sit

here i sit wondering....is life really worth the effort you put into it??? or is it just a screwed up messed up why to mess with someones head till they eventually die??? I mean you spend your life trying to please people so they will either like you or just plain leave you the hell alone and for what...to get stomped on even harder when they come back for more. people say " if life hands you lemons make lemonaid" well by j*sus we got enough damn lemons to fill a small country we dont want that many lemons and they just keep on coming. im getting to the point where i just dont care anymore either way if your nice to me i will tolorate you if your nasty to me i will tell you to f*ck off simple as that. im not out to make friends or have pleasent conversations with people im to do my job and disappear thats all i want. Yet noone seems to grasp that idea at all specially the damn T, hes always with the "you need to talk" or " you can vent to me" or " you wont heal till you have talked it over" gimme a g*d damned break i dont need your coddling or your support i do fine on my own and i am quite happy being left alone. I just wish people would take a hint when i say i dont want to talk i mean it i dont mean keep at me and try and pry it out cos your just gonna piss me off more. anyway this is just me so not being rude but like it or lump it your choice

Sethia

EXTREME TRIGGER

hello my nme is Yerning. I came to this body a very very very long time ago and until now i have been what they called "passed on" It may seem confusing but i will try to put it in laymen terms. I was someone else a long long time ago, but the abuse i suffered at the hands of our tormenters caused me to split off and create Tyrell who some of you know very very well. i died back then as an alter because i was trying to save the life of another and in return mine was taken from me.it was a time to end all abuse i was being beatin from head to toe with a broom stick and also a leather belt. afterwards i was tied half dead to a chain in the basement where i was left to i can only assume to die. Tyrell came about then and brought me inward where i passed shortly after and Tyrell took my place. he has carried me for a very long time because i was him at that time. my perpose for coming front and showing myself was so that Tyrell could heal from that and move on to something better. we have spent the last 4 days in the hospital trying to get this over and done with. i just wanted to show Tyrell so he could deal and accept so he could move on. at the hospital in kingston they said that my leaving could permenently destroy Tyrell because i was the first so now i to along with him must deal and move on to heal. i must stay with him until he feels confident enough to go on alone without me by his side which i am more then willing to do because of what he has done for me. this is all fornow i must speak with someone.

Yerning

My dear Cheyanne

My dear Cheyanne,

I will not say i know what you are going through because i don't, I have no clue how you are feeling but what i do know is that i will never leave you for anything. You are my wife and you are carrying my baby(s). I will love you until the end of time and behond if permitted to do so. Please know i am with you through thick and thin, Good, bad AND worse. I know you love me and you do not mean what you do, I understand ( thank you Raine) That you are VERY emotional and that is ok. It will not make me leave NOTHING will. As Raine said you won't be pregnant forever but she seems to think we are going to have twins. Anyway this is just to let you know i love you and im not going anywhere.

Tyrese

what to do.....

well think about it, all day you yourself hear in your head yelling, screaming, fighting, arguing, ranting, moaning, bitching, chanting and the list goes on and on and on somemore. Yet some how through the mist of it all you manage to live day by day and come about to be "normal" to people. I in the years i have been around have come to notice that the less strangness people see the happier they are and the more content they are with their meaniless petty lives. if they find out you are on " weird" medication they look at you funny and walk away never to speak to you again, If they find out somehow you are in therapy they do the same thing. Because either their life was completly normal as a child or they have buried secrets they are not yet willing to let go of for fear they will be deemed "freakish" Most people are not willing to have an opened mind to things such as "abuse" "neglect" "r*tual abuse" "s*xual abuse" 9 times out of ten their answer is the same " thats not possible" or " they just want attention" yet deep down in the deepest depths of their soul they know better they just do not want to face the possibility that something like that COULD and CAN and better yet DID happen. people have been programmed from birth to run away from the things deemed as "weird" or "not normal" because that in itself could shatter their whole excistence and what they believe. I have learned to trust very few people outside the body and always keep my eyes and ears open. People can and will be cruel if given half a chance and the consiquences are more then likely fatal to the one on the recieaving end of the cruelty. We titled our blog the way we did because that is what we are to most a " secret" never to be found out for fear of hurt and abandonment and better yet more abuse. trust is an issue and being here is a life sentance for almost all of us because we fear that letting go of what we have held secret for so long could cause unmanagable reprecutions we could not fight against. this is mine and thank you for reading my opinion.

Anolynn