i feel so alone.....

 ok well here it is not to sure what to think about anything anymore our life is a drone, The only action/fun we have is when Tyrell is out and about and well that never has ended good so far but i will say it is amusing seeing him "do his thing" when he does go out. It makes the elders angry to a degree because of his behaviour but hell he seems to be the only one who knows what fun looks like. 90% of the time we sit on the bed and do absolutly nothing and i mean nothing. We have no bike and walking to town is good as long as you can walk for atleast 1 1/2 to 2 hours just to get there. I tried and got very bored and came home. I guess you could call it spiced up when we watch a movie but hell we do that all the damn time, We stopped visiting people because we have enough drama in our life to do 10 life times without adding to it. Wolf has got to the point where when she comes out its either to cry or fight with someone (usually her family) and that always ends up with her in tears and us trying to pick her up for weeks afterwards.  the b/f well hes a whole other story, He drinks and occasionally smokes pot which hey keeps alot of the insider "outkasts" mellow to the point where they can be tolorated to an extent. He's really not a bad guy but i find him weird and he has little to no sense of humor. Raven dotes on him hand and foot and i dont agree with that at all, He is a full grown man and can stand on his own 2 feet but i think she is afraid that not doing the things she does will cause her to be alone again and Raven does not have the personality to be "without" a partner. I personally think that men are useless in the sence where they have no mind of their own (the ones i have met anyway) And i dont like that attribute in a person. You should be able to stand up for yourself and tell people off when they bug you or irritate you and Mike wont, His entire family walks on him and he lets them away with it THAT aggrivates me to no end. I have talked to him about it but nothing has changed and probably never will. I seem to be the only one within this system that feels this way and thats why i have the title for this post. Im a thinker i think about everything all the time and alot of people are for some reason bugged by this. I am clueless as to why because thinking is a good thing to me anyway but people in general just dont get it they always ask me "why do you think so much" or i get asked "what are you thinking" and when i answer with the word "everything" people look at me like im from another planet( maybe i am you never know) When i try to name of the things im thinking about after about the 15th item they say "ok i get the point" and walk away. ( shakes head) And that in itself makes me think "why do people ask questions they really dont want an answer to" or "why bother asking if you dont really care" I am me im this way for a reason i guess as everyone is the way they are for a reason. I dont know why i think so much about so many different things i just do and its who i am as a person. I wonder about things and usually want to know the answer to it so as im thinking im trying to figure out the "why" in what i am thinking for example "why did our betta fish named weirdo chew off all his back fins" I went looking for the answer and found it, Was because he was stressed and thats what bettas do if they get stressed they chew on their fins till they cant reach them anymore. Now i dont think about that anymore. I think of our life next year, " will mike still be in it or will he take a hike like all the rest" or " will we have enough money next year to buy a home" or "whats it going to be like to run our own home" or "will everyone work together as a team to make it happen or will they divide and destroy as we have in the past" or " will we be able to afford our own home" or " will we have help to move" or "who is going to do what when we get there" or "who is going to take care of the actual house buying" or "will we ever get our grade 12" Anyway i could go on and on and on but that is what kind of person i am always looking at things to either fix or figure them out, I have been told by alot of people i am complicated but i cant see it personally i just like to think about things and figure them out if i can nothing to big about that. Is there anyone else out there who is like this or am i really a freak from another planet because thats how i feel sometimes.

AnoLynn

damnit

Tyrell is back to excesive drinking again and fighting with everyone, I am beginning to wonder if he is just to far gone to bring back. I have been with him his entire life and he has been through alot but everytime we get over a hurdle he hits another dead on. I do not want to give up on him but he is becoming a hazzard to not only himself but the outside world also. I just cannot have him run wild but i also know he is a very good protector and an asset to the system as a whole. We need him but to what cost?? Is he to damaged to bring back??? Or should i just let him go as a person and send him where he cannot hurt himself or others on perpose or by accident??? Can we as a system handle to lose our strongest most firce protector???? Especially this time a year??? Can he come back again? All these questions and yet i have not been able to come up with an accurate answer to settle my heart and mind. I feel as if i am losing my best friend in the entire world and i am lost as to how to deal with it. I do not want to lose my best friend but i cannot risk the system's safety either. I am lost and torn and do not know which way to turn anymore....

Tyrone