just a post of thoughts.....

I was online with momma last night and she helped me through the issue of wanting to cut myself so badly.....i still do want to cut very much but she helped me through the night atleast......along with little Clay who slept in my lap last night out of fear that i would feel so alone i would actually cut......but i didnt....i made it the night.....it was tough....i kept going back to the site momma gave me and kept following the things on it........and i made it.......we talked about some stuff that i needed to get out.....and it helped in a small way.....the question also came up.......we have heard from so many different people that god is good and answers prayers and works in mysterious ways and there is always a reason for everything and so many other quotes.....so my question is this......why do people believe so much in someone who infact does not help? You are the one who changes your life......noone else......and if god does help so they say.....why did he not help us when we were so young and in so much danger? why did he leave us there to suffer at their hands......and they say god sees everything....well if that is the case then why does he let such horrible cruelty happen right in front of his own eyes and he just sits there and lets it happen? I mean i find it hard lets say impossible to believe in something that supposedly saw what happen to us and did nothing about it at all.......if he is sooooo good WHY did he let it happen?? I am not a believer in god....i never have been and when you think about it i think i have a good reason not to believe......as a matter of fact im pretty sure noone in here really believes and i guess the reason is clear.....i mean the devil.....now that we can believe in cause we have seen first hand what he can do and is capable of.........pure evil.......THAT we have seen and experienced.......we have lived it our whole life.......so i ask.......if god is so great and so powerful......why does he sit back and watch things like our past happen and do absolutly nothing to stop it.........

Cole

p.s -- thanks again momma.......for spending some time with me.....when noone else could or would.......

dem gon

evribudi gon wai dem mak dem go wai fom her an now wez al alon it bez drk an scri an der nobudi her no mor sept mi an cole an cole hrtz da bodi wen se com owt se cwi an se cutz uz al up i nono wat tu du i scrd an cole sai it b kk but se nono cuz se cwi an hrtz lotz i nono wat tu du

clay

its still dark

Not to sure what is happening within, It is still really dark inside and there is almost no movement at all from anywhere. I have not seen anyone today accept Zander, The punisher and Darkness Gains. They seem to be the only movement up here at the moment. We spent the day on the couch with our leg wrapped and up. We have done nothing today at all which is not normal we are usually out doing something but with the pain corsing through our knee it is hard to do much of anything plus all day today we have been feeling really ill. That is pretty much it i guess.

D

This is happening

it has become awefully dark up front like someone turned out all the lights and turned on the emergency lights, Like they do in hospitals and such when the power goes out. It has been that way since early this morning. It is interesting in a way but also rattles the nerves but if it was something serious they would have let us know by now i guess. Although i have also not heard anyone all day either not to sure what is happening there but again i guess if it was serious they would inform us of what is going on. We went back to the hospital tonight because our knee has begun to hurt to the point where we can barely walk no matter who is fronting, So off we went after we cleaned all the snow off the car and then sat and waiting 20 minutes for it to warm up ( the joys of living in the north country) We got up there and all signed in then we played the waiting game for the doctor. They called us in told us to put on a gown and wait so we did. Finally the doctor came in and looked at our legs and said and i quote " yep they are swelled take these bandages and wrap your leg for 3-5 hours a day, Your retaining water stay on your pills and make an appointment in 7-10 days" Now our leg has been swelled for almost 2 weeks now, We have been taking hydroclorathiazide for 13 days and the swelling has yet to decrease and now on top of it all our knee throbs all day everyday. So that was our hospital visit ( again thats what you get for living in the north country) So here we are taking pills that dont help barely being able to walk and wrapping our leg trying to get the swelling to go down. Oh and they took our blood pressure again and it was 140/100 which i KNOW is not good but again these pills are suppose to lower your blood pressure and again as you can see they are working just lovely ( sarcasim) So that was our day i guess and the continuence of our night so far, Leg hurts to much to sleep and so i am watching a series on Alcatraz very interesting show.

D

when you think about it....just a ramble of sorts

when you come to think about even though you say "i am not out to please anyone in life" you really are to an extent because when you do something and you see the look in the persons eyes if you are a human being with feelings you feel a twinge of guilt over hurting them.....when you do something and no one notices you also feel that twinge of pain deep inside because you did not please yourself......in a system it is pretty much the same thing in a way......you are always out to please someone whether it be inside or in real time.....although i have noticed with a system it seems to hurt alot more due to our background.....you are raised to be a pleaser or you suffered severely for it. doing anything to please yourself or to make yourself feel good is out of the question because the guilt is so overwhelming that it is just not worth it....we have NEVER bought ourselves anything nice or taken ourselves out to a nice dinner or ran ourselves a nice hot bath with bubbles......there is far to much guilt to contend with doing any of it.......we see ourselves as not worth it.....we cannot accept anything like that either because again we feel we are not worthy of it.....all of our clothing is second hand none of it is brand new because we feel we do not deserve brand new.....when doing anything we come last after everyone else is done....meal time at the familys home.....everyone gets their meal first we get whats left it is the same way at M's familys house even in our own home....M comes first then us......we have always been last for as long as i can remember....growing up it was the same way....our brothers first us last....in the system the littles are first and then you have to fight with them because they do not believe they deserve to be first.....today M went out and bought us 2 dragon figurines they are beautiful but the question first and for most was " what do we have to do in return?" it should not be this way....we do deserve nice things and we also deserve to come first at alot of things so why is it that we cannot get over the guilt enough to actually do it? i mean alot inside get to the point of a panic attack if they even think that they might be first at something or think that they want something new......then they start flashing and it all becomes a big mess really....today we have been feeling very depressed and upset and we are not sure what is causeing it......i have noticed however that some of our ISH's have moved closer front which leads me to wonder why....They have not been this close to front in over 2 years so why now? is something going to happen or has something happened further back that is going to effect the front in a few days.....i guess these questions should be asked to someone inside but as of now most everyone is sleeping again. today we slept ALL day we did not get up until 10pm which is unusal for us because sleep comes as a rare blessing on a good night we get 4-5 hours tops but we slept for 15 hours straight for some reason....it felt good but it also brought with it a bit of anziety M didnt mind because we have also not been feeling that good for a few days now....our left leg is swelled and our knee hurts terribly we also have some other issues going on that are not helping any. well i should close for now it is 6am and we should be in bed so i am going to try and sleep some before M gets up.

D

beaten and broke
not much left
end of the line
for the boy named seth

torture faced
bloody and bruised
laying half dead
body brutally used

barely breathing
life slowly fading
the thought of eternal peace
thankfully aiding

born to a world
of darkness and fear
obey in silence
DO NOT shed a tear

pushed into pain
left to spare death
that is who i am......
the kid named Seth

dark and torturous never ending pain
the life within us...there is nothing to gain

simple smiles have left all around
to terrified to speak....stare at the ground

moving to the center....akward and shaky
kneeling on one knee....bones...brittle and acky

long do we wish....for a tender hug
but that does not happen....curled up on the rug

cold and naked....starving half to death
wanting to just die....new one born.......

NAMED SETH