what we have discovered

We seem to have discovered that we have slowly become shut ins of a sorts, We do not leave our bedroom. We shower and its back to the bedroom, We eat and usually we make it and eat it in our room, We do the house chores then its back to our room and that is where we live our life. in a room about 20 feet by 8 feet. This has become our home for some reason and i dont understand why. We leave it to go to the outside world and find ourselves within an hour panicing because we have been out of our room for so long. The family and friends wonder what has happen to us because they ask us to come visit and most times we say we are busy when really we just dont want to leave our room. We do go out on occasion but only to find we get very panicy and scared this is the first time this has ever happened to us we normally love the outside world, the sunshine the fresh air the sounds all of it is so calming yet for the last few months the outside world has become very terrifieing and we do not understand why it has come to be this way. I find us getting very depressed in this tiny little cramped up room but depression is a whole lot more easier to deal with then the anziety and panic we feel when we leave it. Inside has become very very quiet and not to many are around at this point in time. we got word today that our disability has come through and we will be recieving it in a month or so, That is suppose to be great news to all but it seems the news has settled and it has made us very depressed. I believe it to be because that means that they reconize us as who we are and they dont want us around "normal" people so to speak. we have one real life friend who knows all about us good and bad and some online friends but thats about it. I do not understand this deep sadness running through the system and i sure dont like how it feels on me as a person. I know the h*l*days are coming and that is a part of why the sadness is there but it should not feel like this at all not now. Our T is gone and will not be back till january 3 and did not leave a number for us to call. The b/f keeps asking what is wrong and we have to say nothing because we honestly just dont know. He doesnt know about us as a system yet for fear of the all famous rejection we have gotten so many times in our life. We know we should tell him eventually but we have only been with him 8 months and we find that way to early to tell right now. Tyrone says wait a year and see what happens. The topic of int*rgr*tion came up at last nights meeting and all seem to be thinking about it we really do not have a life on the outside like some systems do because of living in such a small town EVERYONE knows "Wolf" and if "she" acts out of "normal" behaviour people are calling and asking whats going on and blah blah blah so we hide away and when we manage to get time completly alone then the littles, middles and teens can have their time out. That is not what i call a life, It is not fair but we through the idea out and if anyone feels they want to just "meld" so to speak that is their choice noone is forcing anyone to do anything. I am guessing next year we may be a little bit happier but i am not holding my breath on it because our life has never been easy there is always consiquences when something good happens to us, We got our disability sooooooo when does the bad hit.........We are just sitting quietly waiting for it thats all we can do. I tried to leave the house today to go into town and the anzity hit me so bad that Wesley had to take over to get us back in the house. I have spoken to the Guardians about this and they seem to think some are moving closer to front which could be the cause of the anziety/panic. Only time will tell what is going on. The littles are very upset at this point because we put a bunch of baby fish in with our goldfish so they could have room to grow and it seems the goldfish have eaten all but 5 of the babies. Goldfish are not suppose to do that but these ones did and now we have very upset littles because the babies are "gone". We are burnt out because the b/f is sick and we have been trying to look after him and of course steady watch at front plus the h*l*days and our best protector is still down has been for a few months now and we have no idea when hes coming back if he is at all. We have also learned that outside the T we have no actual support system ( people wise ) Those who we thought were friends are now talking with other people and do not have time for us. It is not a big deal as far as i see it because as far as my own personal opinion goes the less people we 
talk to the less chance of being hurt. Others do not see my way of thinking and its a shame really
because i can see them getting hurt again and again and again until they give up totally and lock
themselves away forever. Well i am going to close for now

Shailea