yet another post

 well well well this seems like an interesting place to write some things so here goes....

i have sat back the last few months in observence of the system as they are and im leary on how things run up here, now i come from deep within and things there are run with a very tight regiment and to violate that results in action that well to say the least is not very pleasing. We have all ages there and in total there is about 30 or so of us. Everyone there has their title and duty and they are to follow them to the T without mistake.I have noticed up here things are different and that it still seems to somewhat run smoothly for the most part ( not counting lately) Now what i dont understand is if someone here acts out or is misbehaving the punishment is minimal and there is no severity to it at all. How does this work? Our entire life was based around severity and torturous means to get us "with the program" and yet up here at front it is not run like that at all and it puzzles me as to why. Here at front perfection is not high on the list, proper edicate is also not on the list and when showering up front it is ok to have warm water and normal soap and shampoo, pets are allowed, crying is allowed many many many things we were taught was against the rules have been over turned up front and its free range talking is also allowed here. And it makes me wonder what happen to the designated rules we were taught growing up. It has all seemed to vanish and in its place ( at very front anyway) is some smiling faces and some content people. Now do i take these findings back to where i come from and try to set them there or will it create a bigger problem then needed or wanted by those who live there?

Sean

what we have discovered

We seem to have discovered that we have slowly become shut ins of a sorts, We do not leave our bedroom. We shower and its back to the bedroom, We eat and usually we make it and eat it in our room, We do the house chores then its back to our room and that is where we live our life. in a room about 20 feet by 8 feet. This has become our home for some reason and i dont understand why. We leave it to go to the outside world and find ourselves within an hour panicing because we have been out of our room for so long. The family and friends wonder what has happen to us because they ask us to come visit and most times we say we are busy when really we just dont want to leave our room. We do go out on occasion but only to find we get very panicy and scared this is the first time this has ever happened to us we normally love the outside world, the sunshine the fresh air the sounds all of it is so calming yet for the last few months the outside world has become very terrifieing and we do not understand why it has come to be this way. I find us getting very depressed in this tiny little cramped up room but depression is a whole lot more easier to deal with then the anziety and panic we feel when we leave it. Inside has become very very quiet and not to many are around at this point in time. we got word today that our disability has come through and we will be recieving it in a month or so, That is suppose to be great news to all but it seems the news has settled and it has made us very depressed. I believe it to be because that means that they reconize us as who we are and they dont want us around "normal" people so to speak. we have one real life friend who knows all about us good and bad and some online friends but thats about it. I do not understand this deep sadness running through the system and i sure dont like how it feels on me as a person. I know the h*l*days are coming and that is a part of why the sadness is there but it should not feel like this at all not now. Our T is gone and will not be back till january 3 and did not leave a number for us to call. The b/f keeps asking what is wrong and we have to say nothing because we honestly just dont know. He doesnt know about us as a system yet for fear of the all famous rejection we have gotten so many times in our life. We know we should tell him eventually but we have only been with him 8 months and we find that way to early to tell right now. Tyrone says wait a year and see what happens. The topic of int*rgr*tion came up at last nights meeting and all seem to be thinking about it we really do not have a life on the outside like some systems do because of living in such a small town EVERYONE knows "Wolf" and if "she" acts out of "normal" behaviour people are calling and asking whats going on and blah blah blah so we hide away and when we manage to get time completly alone then the littles, middles and teens can have their time out. That is not what i call a life, It is not fair but we through the idea out and if anyone feels they want to just "meld" so to speak that is their choice noone is forcing anyone to do anything. I am guessing next year we may be a little bit happier but i am not holding my breath on it because our life has never been easy there is always consiquences when something good happens to us, We got our disability sooooooo when does the bad hit.........We are just sitting quietly waiting for it thats all we can do. I tried to leave the house today to go into town and the anzity hit me so bad that Wesley had to take over to get us back in the house. I have spoken to the Guardians about this and they seem to think some are moving closer to front which could be the cause of the anziety/panic. Only time will tell what is going on. The littles are very upset at this point because we put a bunch of baby fish in with our goldfish so they could have room to grow and it seems the goldfish have eaten all but 5 of the babies. Goldfish are not suppose to do that but these ones did and now we have very upset littles because the babies are "gone". We are burnt out because the b/f is sick and we have been trying to look after him and of course steady watch at front plus the h*l*days and our best protector is still down has been for a few months now and we have no idea when hes coming back if he is at all. We have also learned that outside the T we have no actual support system ( people wise ) Those who we thought were friends are now talking with other people and do not have time for us. It is not a big deal as far as i see it because as far as my own personal opinion goes the less people we 
talk to the less chance of being hurt. Others do not see my way of thinking and its a shame really
because i can see them getting hurt again and again and again until they give up totally and lock
themselves away forever. Well i am going to close for now

Shailea

just a post

well havent really seen much of anyone around lately....yesterday saw Raine and sera online but both marked as away and then they disappeared....mindy dont come on much if at all and well Sj seems to have vanished off the face of this earth. The above list is all the online people we talk to and in real life we talk to the b/f and very rare the family. so i guess now we know how sera was feeling when her schedule didnt meet anyone elses and she felt so alone. That is how we are starting to feel but with us for the most part (well the ones who sit front now) our life was based on silence it was safer that way and believe it still is. We at front dont mind the silence but others within who are lacking their communication with others are starting to feel the effects of it. They only trust a select few people and those people are gone or so it seems that way to them anyway. Holidays are rough and busy and not much time is slotted for much of anything except chr*stm*s many people feel the same way or worse so in that aspect we dont feel alone. Tyrone predicted this was going to happen because as read in a post somewhere not long ago when the chatrooms disappeared so did those who said they were friends for the most part. Everyone has also as said in a post "gotten a life of sorts" and that to plays a roll in this place and time we call "life" we have a life plan ahead but we are playing the waiting game right now and cant make a move till most likely next year then things may break for us for the good this time. But we have also been told not to get our hopes up to high incase things dont go as hopefully planned. the holidays are sneaking up very very fast and we finally a week before the day we got a "holiday safety plan" in effect for us as a system. It seems to be working for the time being and i am glad for that soon the stress will be gone and we can get back to our "normal" life and start working on the things ahead. Hope all is well with anyone who reads this post please take care and be safe

Wesley

why?

 ok this is just a ramble.....

why? why is it that so many people love christmas so much? i mean you have to spend hundreds of dollars on presents for people and most of the time they dont even appreciate it, or they do but only use their gift 3-5 times and then its packed away for years and years to come and eventually it becomes a 10 dollar yard sale item. the stores jack up their prices to make proffit and to just plain out take people for all they can and yet people still pay astronomical prices just to make their loved ones happy. it has all become a money grabbing fake holiday filled with people that push and shove and get extremly stressed out all over one day of the year. you spend hours cooking and cleaning setting stuff up for people to not even notice half the time and all this fuss and muss for one whole day then you have an entire year of trying to catch up on bills and things you missed or set aside just for one day that 9 times out of 10 gave you a bad stomache and possibly gain 10-15 pounds that you now have to spend 6 months trying to get rid of. you spend prolly 20-30 dollars on christmas cards alone just so people can read them and a couple of days 
later they end up in the garbage. it just doesnt make any sence to me at all spend
money you dont have on people who dont appreciate it and most times you dont even get a
thank you in return, family comes together and if your family is like mine 1/2 hour in the same room and a fight breaks out over who spent more on who and how many presents each other got.
then its on to supper that someone always has to complain about and then the mess afterwards that needs to be cleaned up. then its pack up all your stuff go home and clean there, put stuff away drink a bottle or 2 of pepto bismal then its to bed to dream about all the money you lost and think of ways you have to work it back up so your bills can get paid and things can go back to semi normal. my personal opinion is its all a waste of time and money and its not worth the time or the effort to do it all but they do it it because its expected of you and thats pretty much the only reason we do it i wish we could just wake up and it be over and never come back.

wonderings.....(if thats a word lol)

 ok this blog is not looking for answers or anything just a couple of things i wonder about is all....

i wonder if fish sleep?
if they do, do they dream?
if so, what would they dream about?
do they like each other  ( of the same species) or do they tolorate each other?
do they like the other fish their with or again is it a toloration?
what do they think when they see us staring at them?
when you cry does your dog know your crying or is it just an instinct to comfort you?
do they really care or is it just because?
why do you cry when you get VERY frustrated or sometimes angry?
why do some people base their entire life on what they look like?
why do some people base their life around how much money they make?
and why do they like to rub it in other peoples faces?
why are some people really really poor?
why dont people like helping other people anymore?
why do people get obsessed with certain things and not others?
why do people read when going to the bathroom?
why can people move one eyebrow at a time when other people cant?
why do people bite their nails?
why do people drink coffee?
why are some people vegitarians?
why are some people strictly meat eaters?
what causes people to have phobias?
why are some peoples houses messy/cluttered and others are spotless?
why to some people are matirial objects more important then their family/friends?
why do some people get sad in the winter time but not in the summer?
why do dogs lay on their backs?
why do some people beat other people up for no reason?
why do some people make fun of other people?
why is it people ask for your opinion but never take it seriously?
why do some people make a great big deal out of another person making a mistake?
and then they tell everyone how much of a screw up you are?
why do people like hurting animals?
why do some people enjoy hurting little kids?
and why do they get away with it most times?
why do they say the justice system is for the victim when really its not?
why do some people prefer to live their life in solitude?
why do some people prefer to live with people 24/7?
why do some people get mental illness while other people dont?
why do some people get physical illness when others dont?
why do some people live a really long time, yet other die really young?
why is it some people prefer music over t.v and vise versa?
why is it you can become really good friends with someone thousands of miles away but cant be friends with someone who lives five minutes away?
why do some people get on with their life and leave their friends/family behind?
why can some people learn things really fast where others take a really long time to learn anything?
why is it the rich get richer and the poor get poorer?
why do some parents beat their kids on a regular basis, where others only do it once?
and when they do it once it most of the time results in death?
why can some people be friends for a lifetime yet others only a few months?
why do some people feel the need to be in total and complete control?
and yet others feel the need to be controlled?

if you can answer any of these questions thats cool or even just your opinion is cool to this is the end of my wonderings for now

Yerning

not that it matters much......an update

not to sure how or why im writing this because i personally dont think it matters much.....life in a whole right now is shitty very very shitty...not due to the old man but due to other rising issues that just wont go away and only seem to get worse. the h*lidays are coming very very close and well noone within can deal with it and i mean pretty much noone they s*ck in the worst way possible. we have no money to get presents for anyone including the little ones and the middles because of bills that HAD to be paid so christmas is not going to be good for them at all. we have heard nothing of our settlement and the hearing was the 16th of last month. the old mans family is backstabbing us continueously and the elders are becoming leary of someone fronting and doing damage control to his family and we dont want or need that right now. Wolf's family is all breaking up for the holidays and we really dont want to spend them with the old mans family so i think we are going to just take off somewhere till its over. we dont come online much if at all because there is noone ever on to talk to anymore. the system depression as a whole is getting worse and we have done med increase and we are also doing the special lighting because according to the pychiatrist we ( some of us anyway) suffer from S.A.D ( it stands for something but i cant remember it right now) so we have to use a light for half an hour in the morning and half an hour before bed to "bring up our mood" anyway will write more later mabye till them later.

Jozolynn