i feel so alone.....

 ok well here it is not to sure what to think about anything anymore our life is a drone, The only action/fun we have is when Tyrell is out and about and well that never has ended good so far but i will say it is amusing seeing him "do his thing" when he does go out. It makes the elders angry to a degree because of his behaviour but hell he seems to be the only one who knows what fun looks like. 90% of the time we sit on the bed and do absolutly nothing and i mean nothing. We have no bike and walking to town is good as long as you can walk for atleast 1 1/2 to 2 hours just to get there. I tried and got very bored and came home. I guess you could call it spiced up when we watch a movie but hell we do that all the damn time, We stopped visiting people because we have enough drama in our life to do 10 life times without adding to it. Wolf has got to the point where when she comes out its either to cry or fight with someone (usually her family) and that always ends up with her in tears and us trying to pick her up for weeks afterwards.  the b/f well hes a whole other story, He drinks and occasionally smokes pot which hey keeps alot of the insider "outkasts" mellow to the point where they can be tolorated to an extent. He's really not a bad guy but i find him weird and he has little to no sense of humor. Raven dotes on him hand and foot and i dont agree with that at all, He is a full grown man and can stand on his own 2 feet but i think she is afraid that not doing the things she does will cause her to be alone again and Raven does not have the personality to be "without" a partner. I personally think that men are useless in the sence where they have no mind of their own (the ones i have met anyway) And i dont like that attribute in a person. You should be able to stand up for yourself and tell people off when they bug you or irritate you and Mike wont, His entire family walks on him and he lets them away with it THAT aggrivates me to no end. I have talked to him about it but nothing has changed and probably never will. I seem to be the only one within this system that feels this way and thats why i have the title for this post. Im a thinker i think about everything all the time and alot of people are for some reason bugged by this. I am clueless as to why because thinking is a good thing to me anyway but people in general just dont get it they always ask me "why do you think so much" or i get asked "what are you thinking" and when i answer with the word "everything" people look at me like im from another planet( maybe i am you never know) When i try to name of the things im thinking about after about the 15th item they say "ok i get the point" and walk away. ( shakes head) And that in itself makes me think "why do people ask questions they really dont want an answer to" or "why bother asking if you dont really care" I am me im this way for a reason i guess as everyone is the way they are for a reason. I dont know why i think so much about so many different things i just do and its who i am as a person. I wonder about things and usually want to know the answer to it so as im thinking im trying to figure out the "why" in what i am thinking for example "why did our betta fish named weirdo chew off all his back fins" I went looking for the answer and found it, Was because he was stressed and thats what bettas do if they get stressed they chew on their fins till they cant reach them anymore. Now i dont think about that anymore. I think of our life next year, " will mike still be in it or will he take a hike like all the rest" or " will we have enough money next year to buy a home" or "whats it going to be like to run our own home" or "will everyone work together as a team to make it happen or will they divide and destroy as we have in the past" or " will we be able to afford our own home" or " will we have help to move" or "who is going to do what when we get there" or "who is going to take care of the actual house buying" or "will we ever get our grade 12" Anyway i could go on and on and on but that is what kind of person i am always looking at things to either fix or figure them out, I have been told by alot of people i am complicated but i cant see it personally i just like to think about things and figure them out if i can nothing to big about that. Is there anyone else out there who is like this or am i really a freak from another planet because thats how i feel sometimes.

AnoLynn

damnit

Tyrell is back to excesive drinking again and fighting with everyone, I am beginning to wonder if he is just to far gone to bring back. I have been with him his entire life and he has been through alot but everytime we get over a hurdle he hits another dead on. I do not want to give up on him but he is becoming a hazzard to not only himself but the outside world also. I just cannot have him run wild but i also know he is a very good protector and an asset to the system as a whole. We need him but to what cost?? Is he to damaged to bring back??? Or should i just let him go as a person and send him where he cannot hurt himself or others on perpose or by accident??? Can we as a system handle to lose our strongest most firce protector???? Especially this time a year??? Can he come back again? All these questions and yet i have not been able to come up with an accurate answer to settle my heart and mind. I feel as if i am losing my best friend in the entire world and i am lost as to how to deal with it. I do not want to lose my best friend but i cannot risk the system's safety either. I am lost and torn and do not know which way to turn anymore....

Tyrone

 not to sure how much more i can take journal. Tommy started his shit again yesterday caused a big argument and i actually felt bad for mary cause she started to cry because of it. Well then today AFTER my baby turned over 420 bucks to her he asked if he could borrow some money ( which he always pays back ) And got a flat out NO. Well he got mad and i dont blame him a bit for it he has done everything for that woman and since tommy moved in he has been treated like a bag of shit by her. I lost total respect for her the last time they got into it and she stuck up for tommy and today was no different at all. She stuck up for him again and in the end me and mike were garbage and he was champ. She called my baby an asshole and a bastard also said she was gonna call the cops on him. She then proceeds to say she is not going to give me my rent receits like she is suppose to and she wont give mike his either. She is a backstabbing two faced bitch and she has some serious mental problems to go along with it. My brother was going to come up and fix the van so she wouldnt have to pay out an astronomical amount of money to canadian tire to fix it and now i am going to tell him not to bother because she sat right in the kitchen and said "why should i let someone who doesnt know what their doing touch my van". She dont know shit about my family and i thank her to quit draggin them into the problems around here. She then proceeded to pick on jade and say that jade eats 2/3rds of the food in the house EXCUSE FUCKING ME!!! she is the one that feeds her half the time not us. but of course have to pick on a dog cause we are mad. Then take it out on me at the same time and i had nothing to do with it at all it was between her and mike. If tommy asks for money he gets it, if he asks for smokes he gets them, Anything he asks for he gets it and mike gets treated like shit its not right and its not fair to him. He has done nothing but help that woman out and tommy gets the glory for it. Soon as morning hits im callin ron to come get me so i can call about a house it may be back in the bush but anything is better then here right now. Im getting a stress rash on my arm because of the shit and thats when i know enough is enough. It just boggles my mind how she can be like that toward the person who has been there for her the most. I didnt see tommy here in the winter shovelling, I didnt see tommy walking to town for her meds when she ran out, I didnt see tommy in the house asking if she was ok or if she needed anything. And yet in the end this is the thanks. Well fuck you lady im sick of the shit, I gotta call JP tomorrow, I gotta wait for my lawyer to phone then i gotta phone the lady about the house and pick up a paper to look at for houseing. I CANT LIVE HERE ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant sit back and watch my baby be treated like shit and NOT say anything its getting harder and harder to do. I now understand what they were trying to tell me when they warned me about her, Well trust me when we move words will be said and that will be that. His whole family will be told off and that will be the end of the story. I dont want anything to do with any of them at all ever. my lawyer is calling tomorrow to get a statement about the joe thing and after that my hearing is nov 16th. When i get my money if it is enough im going to put a down payment on a house for me and my baby and then we will be settled for housing and money for a bit hopefully. Im not looking forward to my phone call tomorrow at all and im guessing between that and the already added stress here thats why im still awake. My baby had to take a remeron just to go to sleep and thats not fair to him concidering before he didnt need to be medicated to go to sleep that was before tommy and his shit moved in. Anyway im gonna close it here and try and sleep i guess.

Raven

 well here i sit at 4am wondering how i managed to get stuck in this kind of mess yet again. I'm not really sure what to make of it all except that i cant live here much longer or im gonna end up back in jail. It seems that things have a tendency to crash down around me at any given moment and there is nothing i can do to stop it. Im really bafelled by it all because everything was going along smooth until tommy moved in the house then all hell broke lose. Mike gave up everything that was dear to him to come back here and help his mom and the thanks he got in return was basically a smack in the face. I dont find that fair or right in my books but he has asked me to mind my P's and Q's so we dont get kicked out and i will do as he asks im just not sure how long i can do it for. I tried tonight to download something on the net and 5 times tomm picked up the phone on perpose, When i caught him he tried to act like he was doing nothing wrong, Then him and mike got into a screaming match and tommy left. Mike tried talking to his mom and well to be honest that was like talking to a wall, Tommy has her so far wrapped that she cant see what is going on and in the end the only one who is going to pay for it is Mary. It's not right but i will not sit back idle and watch my might as well say husband be treated like a bag of shit by a no good piece of dog meat like tommy it just is not gonna happen. I have tried my best to fit in here and just mind my buisness but holy fuck a person can only take so much of the shit. I use to go to bingo with mary, watch t.v with her, watch movies with her and we use to sit at the table till 2am just talking and honestly i really do miss all of that but i also will not tolorate being in the same room as tommy or stay in a room he might come into. my baby right now is sleeping but it is not a restful sleep he keeps kicking and swatting me for some reason hence why i am up and at the comp. he does not deserve this and it breaks my heart to watch him go through it and know there is nothing i can do to make it easier. In five hours we are suppose to go look at a place to live and i do hope and prey we get it, It may only be for eight months but right now its better then living here atleast he wont be treated like a piece of shit on our own and god better help the first person who tries it cause it will be our home and i will have every right to kick their sorry asses out and they will be told never to come back. I will not sit idle and watch it happen in our own home NOT gonna happen. Jade is even feeling the effects of living here she has become very skiddy and withdrawn and i dont like that at all plus its not fair for her to be locked up in this god forsaken room 24/7 but it has come to that because of tommys bullshit. my baby is doing his best to figure a way out of here but 1 person can only do so much and well he is just that 1 single person. This afternoon was awesome we went to rob and bonnies and mike helped greg and ron put the struts in the van while bonnie me and gina sat on the porch and talked. When they were done they came up and rob came out of the house then we all sat on the porch talking about everything under the sun, There was no stress no yelling or scream it was great, Then we came back here and all was good for a bit then all hell broke lose. I just stood in the kitchen with Jade by my side doing dishes and trying to calm her down. I had a shower and i dont know i feel like i came down on mike for some stuff and i didnt really mean to it was just that i was hot and pissed off because of tommys shit, Which isnt mikes fault but he listened and we talked but i think when he gets up im gonna apologize for what i said cause it really wasnt fair to him for me to take it out on him knowing its not his fault. He knows i love him and it makes me madder by the day to see the one i love with all my heart to be walked on and kicked around like a dirty rag you find in a mud puddle somewhere. Everytime it happens i want to speak up and say something but i know damn well the moment i do his mom will boot my ass out the door quicker then you can blink. So i sit and watch it happen holding my tongue and feeling my ulsers get worse by the day all because i am stuck between a rock and a hard place, But im telling you once we move that will be it i WILL have my say and if they dont like it to bad for them. I am sick and tired of people treating my baby like shit and soon enough i am going to put a complete and total stop to it, If people think im a big bitch well let them think what they want they will eventually learn not to walk on my husband because i wont allow it i dont care who they are, friends, my family his family NOONE will walk on him as long as i am around to stop it. He has been treated like a bag of shit his whole life and it is going to come to an end and if people dont like me because of it well i didnt really want them as friends anyway. and you wait till the next time i see sandra she is gonna get a blast from me the stupid ignorant piece of shit she has ripped him off for the last fucking time to along with diane. anyway i guess i should sign off here and try to get some sleep maybe my baby will calm down enough for me to sleep beside him

Raven
.

Just a message

ok im not naming this post until the end of it because i am not sure what it should be titled. I was pushed to the front and made my way out to be in the world they call "real" and was confronted by a whole new set of problems and issues. Inside is in turmoil right now because of body memories and they are feeding into Wolf which is causing a major issue with her. I was trying to deal with that and now i must deal with outside issues as well. The house that we are living in has a stress level that is through the roof because of the people living in it who are creating it. Namely the boyfriend's brother. I am not sure what i am suppose to do about the situation but i have spoken with the mother of the house and that was no help at all. She basically told me it was in my head what was going on and that there was no issue. I then spoke with the boyfriend and he explained what was happening so i added all that up and along with everything going on within now i know why everything is happening within. I have called on some of my helpers within to control the inner world and now i must figure out how to control the outter world. This in itself will not be an easy task because i myself do not know anything about what is going on within this world and our surroundings. I did however meet Wolf's family tonight and they seem like a good bunch of people to be with. Alot has changed since last i was front. I have spoke with Tyrone about what has been happening within and he said he would see what he can do about helping me gather information on what is truly going on and how we can fix it. Until then i can only try to stay relaxed and calm then work through and find a solution to our problem in the outter world.

~~~MASON~~~

here i sit

here i sit wondering....is life really worth the effort you put into it??? or is it just a screwed up messed up why to mess with someones head till they eventually die??? I mean you spend your life trying to please people so they will either like you or just plain leave you the hell alone and for what...to get stomped on even harder when they come back for more. people say " if life hands you lemons make lemonaid" well by j*sus we got enough damn lemons to fill a small country we dont want that many lemons and they just keep on coming. im getting to the point where i just dont care anymore either way if your nice to me i will tolorate you if your nasty to me i will tell you to f*ck off simple as that. im not out to make friends or have pleasent conversations with people im to do my job and disappear thats all i want. Yet noone seems to grasp that idea at all specially the damn T, hes always with the "you need to talk" or " you can vent to me" or " you wont heal till you have talked it over" gimme a g*d damned break i dont need your coddling or your support i do fine on my own and i am quite happy being left alone. I just wish people would take a hint when i say i dont want to talk i mean it i dont mean keep at me and try and pry it out cos your just gonna piss me off more. anyway this is just me so not being rude but like it or lump it your choice

Sethia

EXTREME TRIGGER

hello my nme is Yerning. I came to this body a very very very long time ago and until now i have been what they called "passed on" It may seem confusing but i will try to put it in laymen terms. I was someone else a long long time ago, but the abuse i suffered at the hands of our tormenters caused me to split off and create Tyrell who some of you know very very well. i died back then as an alter because i was trying to save the life of another and in return mine was taken from me.it was a time to end all abuse i was being beatin from head to toe with a broom stick and also a leather belt. afterwards i was tied half dead to a chain in the basement where i was left to i can only assume to die. Tyrell came about then and brought me inward where i passed shortly after and Tyrell took my place. he has carried me for a very long time because i was him at that time. my perpose for coming front and showing myself was so that Tyrell could heal from that and move on to something better. we have spent the last 4 days in the hospital trying to get this over and done with. i just wanted to show Tyrell so he could deal and accept so he could move on. at the hospital in kingston they said that my leaving could permenently destroy Tyrell because i was the first so now i to along with him must deal and move on to heal. i must stay with him until he feels confident enough to go on alone without me by his side which i am more then willing to do because of what he has done for me. this is all fornow i must speak with someone.

Yerning

My dear Cheyanne

My dear Cheyanne,

I will not say i know what you are going through because i don't, I have no clue how you are feeling but what i do know is that i will never leave you for anything. You are my wife and you are carrying my baby(s). I will love you until the end of time and behond if permitted to do so. Please know i am with you through thick and thin, Good, bad AND worse. I know you love me and you do not mean what you do, I understand ( thank you Raine) That you are VERY emotional and that is ok. It will not make me leave NOTHING will. As Raine said you won't be pregnant forever but she seems to think we are going to have twins. Anyway this is just to let you know i love you and im not going anywhere.

Tyrese

what to do.....

well think about it, all day you yourself hear in your head yelling, screaming, fighting, arguing, ranting, moaning, bitching, chanting and the list goes on and on and on somemore. Yet some how through the mist of it all you manage to live day by day and come about to be "normal" to people. I in the years i have been around have come to notice that the less strangness people see the happier they are and the more content they are with their meaniless petty lives. if they find out you are on " weird" medication they look at you funny and walk away never to speak to you again, If they find out somehow you are in therapy they do the same thing. Because either their life was completly normal as a child or they have buried secrets they are not yet willing to let go of for fear they will be deemed "freakish" Most people are not willing to have an opened mind to things such as "abuse" "neglect" "r*tual abuse" "s*xual abuse" 9 times out of ten their answer is the same " thats not possible" or " they just want attention" yet deep down in the deepest depths of their soul they know better they just do not want to face the possibility that something like that COULD and CAN and better yet DID happen. people have been programmed from birth to run away from the things deemed as "weird" or "not normal" because that in itself could shatter their whole excistence and what they believe. I have learned to trust very few people outside the body and always keep my eyes and ears open. People can and will be cruel if given half a chance and the consiquences are more then likely fatal to the one on the recieaving end of the cruelty. We titled our blog the way we did because that is what we are to most a " secret" never to be found out for fear of hurt and abandonment and better yet more abuse. trust is an issue and being here is a life sentance for almost all of us because we fear that letting go of what we have held secret for so long could cause unmanagable reprecutions we could not fight against. this is mine and thank you for reading my opinion.

Anolynn

what a day

 well my name is Payne, I am 22 years old and well as you can hopefully guess by my name you know what i do for a living. There have been many changes in the last few months some good but some bad and my job is to absorb the bad ( lovely job dont you think ) Anyway the b-day was the worst of it and i have been out since trying to suck up all that was spilled on that day. Long tiring job but i do it because well that is my job. I cannot say i like my job but i can say it is better then where i came from and what i was doing there. ( tell more in later blog ) The birthday started out by Wolf waking up alone ( b/f was not in bed ) Use to that but what really got it going was someone ( i will not mention names ) Smacked the b/f in the face twice while we were sleeping, He got VERY angry about this and went to sleep on the couch, Wolf had no idea what had happened but the b/f sure filled her in when she went out to the kitchen. He was screaming at her about it and told her she better get out of his face before he ended the relationship for good. This upset her extremly and she sunk back inside. Genesis then surfaced and told the b/f to back off before bad things happened ( Tyrell ) and he walked away.We proceeded downstairs to do the laundry and the b/f came down to speak with us, Tyrone slipped front and told the b/f his best bet would be to back away and leave us alone for the time being until we settled down some. About an hour later the b/f came back and hugged me and that is when Wolf resurfaced and started to cry very very hard. I let that go on for about 15 minutes and then i slipped past her and regained control. Jordan then surfaced to feed the rat and noticed he was dragging himself across the cage and his eyes were full of this secreasion that happens when they are sick or stressed. Tyrell pulled Jordan in because he was crying and made arrangments for the rat to be put to sleep. That caused internal flare up amounst the outkasts because it was there pet and it was being taken away like their other one not but a week prior to the b-day. So that was that the rat was put to sleep and a wall was built excluding the outkasts from the whole world inner and outer. They built it and it is built of pain and distrust for everyone. So here i sit absorbing what i can and growing sicker by the day, Tyrone is calling Jake but i do doubt that he can help me i believe it has been to long. So this is me and that is what happen.

Payne

these days

well lets see im Wolf im also host and will be 26 tomorrow, not sure how to feel about it because bad things have always happened on my birthday. As for the host bit well i have DID. (Wow i said it and didnt freak out) So here goes my first blog, Some here know us as a group and we are thankful to have them as friends if it hadnt been for them we might not been writing this today. Yeah we have had our rough patches ( me especially) but it all came together somewhat now and we live day for day nothing more nothing less. Our life has changed dramaticlly and we have a few people to thank for it and its better now. We still have our days where life dont seem worth the struggle but it passes and we move on to another day. We have 3 unbelievable friends who helped us get through and i want to say thanks. well i should stop here will write more some other time

Wolf