lots to say

just dont say it here no more sorry...we have moved on and this blog is now pretty much obsolete to us....we keep it only because some of our friends are on it thats it

blah

drama drama
all around
a sane word
nowhere to be found

collapsing thoughts
panic amuck
so much crap
get hit by a truck

feelings fade
thoughts elude
they come for me
think im rude

tell it how it is
so what if you get hurt
get over yourself
attention spert

whine and cry
look your being mean
our world is crumbling
drama queen

suck it up
move on with life
grown the hell up
go for the knife

let it slide
blood run cold
drama no more
your story told

you made no difference
sept sucking people in
your stupid little game
make your head spin

get your kicks
by being so dumb
they follow like sheep
darkness will come

grab your life
what is left
stand on your own
your guilt your heft

carry it alone
down the path
they are watching
suffer their wrath

just a post of thoughts.....

I was online with momma last night and she helped me through the issue of wanting to cut myself so badly.....i still do want to cut very much but she helped me through the night atleast......along with little Clay who slept in my lap last night out of fear that i would feel so alone i would actually cut......but i didnt....i made it the night.....it was tough....i kept going back to the site momma gave me and kept following the things on it........and i made it.......we talked about some stuff that i needed to get out.....and it helped in a small way.....the question also came up.......we have heard from so many different people that god is good and answers prayers and works in mysterious ways and there is always a reason for everything and so many other quotes.....so my question is this......why do people believe so much in someone who infact does not help? You are the one who changes your life......noone else......and if god does help so they say.....why did he not help us when we were so young and in so much danger? why did he leave us there to suffer at their hands......and they say god sees everything....well if that is the case then why does he let such horrible cruelty happen right in front of his own eyes and he just sits there and lets it happen? I mean i find it hard lets say impossible to believe in something that supposedly saw what happen to us and did nothing about it at all.......if he is sooooo good WHY did he let it happen?? I am not a believer in god....i never have been and when you think about it i think i have a good reason not to believe......as a matter of fact im pretty sure noone in here really believes and i guess the reason is clear.....i mean the devil.....now that we can believe in cause we have seen first hand what he can do and is capable of.........pure evil.......THAT we have seen and experienced.......we have lived it our whole life.......so i ask.......if god is so great and so powerful......why does he sit back and watch things like our past happen and do absolutly nothing to stop it.........

Cole

p.s -- thanks again momma.......for spending some time with me.....when noone else could or would.......

dem gon

evribudi gon wai dem mak dem go wai fom her an now wez al alon it bez drk an scri an der nobudi her no mor sept mi an cole an cole hrtz da bodi wen se com owt se cwi an se cutz uz al up i nono wat tu du i scrd an cole sai it b kk but se nono cuz se cwi an hrtz lotz i nono wat tu du

clay

its still dark

Not to sure what is happening within, It is still really dark inside and there is almost no movement at all from anywhere. I have not seen anyone today accept Zander, The punisher and Darkness Gains. They seem to be the only movement up here at the moment. We spent the day on the couch with our leg wrapped and up. We have done nothing today at all which is not normal we are usually out doing something but with the pain corsing through our knee it is hard to do much of anything plus all day today we have been feeling really ill. That is pretty much it i guess.

D

This is happening

it has become awefully dark up front like someone turned out all the lights and turned on the emergency lights, Like they do in hospitals and such when the power goes out. It has been that way since early this morning. It is interesting in a way but also rattles the nerves but if it was something serious they would have let us know by now i guess. Although i have also not heard anyone all day either not to sure what is happening there but again i guess if it was serious they would inform us of what is going on. We went back to the hospital tonight because our knee has begun to hurt to the point where we can barely walk no matter who is fronting, So off we went after we cleaned all the snow off the car and then sat and waiting 20 minutes for it to warm up ( the joys of living in the north country) We got up there and all signed in then we played the waiting game for the doctor. They called us in told us to put on a gown and wait so we did. Finally the doctor came in and looked at our legs and said and i quote " yep they are swelled take these bandages and wrap your leg for 3-5 hours a day, Your retaining water stay on your pills and make an appointment in 7-10 days" Now our leg has been swelled for almost 2 weeks now, We have been taking hydroclorathiazide for 13 days and the swelling has yet to decrease and now on top of it all our knee throbs all day everyday. So that was our hospital visit ( again thats what you get for living in the north country) So here we are taking pills that dont help barely being able to walk and wrapping our leg trying to get the swelling to go down. Oh and they took our blood pressure again and it was 140/100 which i KNOW is not good but again these pills are suppose to lower your blood pressure and again as you can see they are working just lovely ( sarcasim) So that was our day i guess and the continuence of our night so far, Leg hurts to much to sleep and so i am watching a series on Alcatraz very interesting show.

D

when you think about it....just a ramble of sorts

when you come to think about even though you say "i am not out to please anyone in life" you really are to an extent because when you do something and you see the look in the persons eyes if you are a human being with feelings you feel a twinge of guilt over hurting them.....when you do something and no one notices you also feel that twinge of pain deep inside because you did not please yourself......in a system it is pretty much the same thing in a way......you are always out to please someone whether it be inside or in real time.....although i have noticed with a system it seems to hurt alot more due to our background.....you are raised to be a pleaser or you suffered severely for it. doing anything to please yourself or to make yourself feel good is out of the question because the guilt is so overwhelming that it is just not worth it....we have NEVER bought ourselves anything nice or taken ourselves out to a nice dinner or ran ourselves a nice hot bath with bubbles......there is far to much guilt to contend with doing any of it.......we see ourselves as not worth it.....we cannot accept anything like that either because again we feel we are not worthy of it.....all of our clothing is second hand none of it is brand new because we feel we do not deserve brand new.....when doing anything we come last after everyone else is done....meal time at the familys home.....everyone gets their meal first we get whats left it is the same way at M's familys house even in our own home....M comes first then us......we have always been last for as long as i can remember....growing up it was the same way....our brothers first us last....in the system the littles are first and then you have to fight with them because they do not believe they deserve to be first.....today M went out and bought us 2 dragon figurines they are beautiful but the question first and for most was " what do we have to do in return?" it should not be this way....we do deserve nice things and we also deserve to come first at alot of things so why is it that we cannot get over the guilt enough to actually do it? i mean alot inside get to the point of a panic attack if they even think that they might be first at something or think that they want something new......then they start flashing and it all becomes a big mess really....today we have been feeling very depressed and upset and we are not sure what is causeing it......i have noticed however that some of our ISH's have moved closer front which leads me to wonder why....They have not been this close to front in over 2 years so why now? is something going to happen or has something happened further back that is going to effect the front in a few days.....i guess these questions should be asked to someone inside but as of now most everyone is sleeping again. today we slept ALL day we did not get up until 10pm which is unusal for us because sleep comes as a rare blessing on a good night we get 4-5 hours tops but we slept for 15 hours straight for some reason....it felt good but it also brought with it a bit of anziety M didnt mind because we have also not been feeling that good for a few days now....our left leg is swelled and our knee hurts terribly we also have some other issues going on that are not helping any. well i should close for now it is 6am and we should be in bed so i am going to try and sleep some before M gets up.

D

beaten and broke
not much left
end of the line
for the boy named seth

torture faced
bloody and bruised
laying half dead
body brutally used

barely breathing
life slowly fading
the thought of eternal peace
thankfully aiding

born to a world
of darkness and fear
obey in silence
DO NOT shed a tear

pushed into pain
left to spare death
that is who i am......
the kid named Seth

dark and torturous never ending pain
the life within us...there is nothing to gain

simple smiles have left all around
to terrified to speak....stare at the ground

moving to the center....akward and shaky
kneeling on one knee....bones...brittle and acky

long do we wish....for a tender hug
but that does not happen....curled up on the rug

cold and naked....starving half to death
wanting to just die....new one born.......

NAMED SETH

its spreading

there is something inside that is slowly spreading over the system, It looks like a dark cloud of sorts that started off in the distance way way off now it seems much much closer, I am not sure if anyone else has noticed it but i sure have and so did Rain Tasha she was the first to come to me about it actually. It started a little while ago as a black mist that seem to hover over the Badlands and now it seems it has moved forward and has gotten darker as it has moved. I have been keeping an eye on it and it is moving at a slow pace but it is still moving none the less. There is a meeting tonight of all the heads and we are going to try and figure out just what this thing is and why it is moving toward front. Today we have done nothing at all except watch Tv and play on the computer. There has however been ALOT of switching today for some reason and that is also going to be talked about at the meeting. There is also alot of aches and pains within the body that has also been nagging at us for a few days now, The guys have just been working through the pain to get the car done but you can tell that it is taking its toll on the body and us as a system. I have noticed a slight change in the front working system its more sullen and quiet but it is like i said a slight change. I am going to bring this all up at the meeting tonight and see if anyone else has noticed it and if so make plans to figure out how to stop it or atleast if nothing else figure out what it is exactly. It is having an effect on the system and it does not seem to be a good one. Mike has been gone most of the day so that i believe is a good thing in a way because it would be very hard to explain the mental mood changes and the other changes going on. I have been front when he has been here today and made it all seem ok so he would not worry because he does do that alot about us. There is no need for him to be worrying when we are not even sure what is happening. I was awake most of the night with mike because he has also not had that good of a life and it has caused some internal issues which only seem to come out most when he is asleep. He has terrible nightmares and we know all to well what those feel like and how bad you feel when you wake up and your totally alone. Last night was a bad night for him so that makes us have a grand total of 6 hours sleep in 2 days. Now i know that lack of sleep can have an effect on a person but this is only adding to what is happening it is not the cause of it. I guess that is all for now and i would like to say to anyone who has been trying to speak with us i am sorry but noone seems to really be up to par on speaking with anyone as of yet. Please take care and be well

The Observer

just a blog

just thought i would post a little something because noone has in a while. The before post is true with the lonely feeling going around but it always has to an extent. Today we took the car to have it fixed because we have not had a vehicle in 3 weeks because the muffler broke off at the manafold. Today they tried to fix it and the bolts broke off so now they have to spend tomorrow laying on the ground taking the manafold off to get the broken bolts out. Night before last it was -26 celcius here and last night it was -19 celcius. Today laying on the ground it was -11 celcius and now tonight the body is sore from the cold ground. Winter here is really no fun at all well for us girls anyway, The guys love it cause they can go snowmobiling and all kinds of stuff like that. So tonight after they were done we came home and had a nice long hot bath then they pigged out on pizza. We then climbed under a blanket and watched a movie. So here we are now, Inside is quiet most are in bed sleeping and those who arent are sitting around the blue room talking. Not really much of a post but hey here it is.

KayLee

lonely

i sat here today and looked around me and noticed that alot inside seem to have this very "alone" look about them, They seem to be thinking and feeling that they are somehow alone in this world and i wonder how do you make that feeling go away. They all have their own problems that would make them feel that way but they all also have one thing in common, they are all servivours of something. They made it through the worst of the worst and are still here, some not in such good shape but here none the less. I stopped also to wonder why we were no longer in concilling and i asked Tyrone about it his answer was this " talking to a stranger is fine and yes it does help but when you have to repeatedly talk to a new person every couple of months and get them used to the idea of US as a system it just is notworth the trama of the switching factor of T's all the time" And i realized that yes that would make things worse when you have to keep re introducing yourself to a new person because the old one that you had just got use to left you once again holding your emotions in your hand. I believe the loneliness is also from the fact that we use to have 60-70 people on our friends list that we spoke to on a regular basis, But when we lost our internet for a long period of time we also seemed to lose those we use to call friends. In the small town that we live in we do not have anyone we would call "friend" all we have is our family and parts of mikes family that is all. Our closest "friend" lives 5 hours away by car. We have also been stuck in our apartment for almost 3 weeks straight because we do not have a vehicle as of now because it is broke. Walking is not an option due to our back and our knee it makes it almost impossible to walk any distance without severe pain afterward. It is odd that you can live in a system the size of ours and yet still feel lonely to the point where it becomes very depressing. This is just my obsevation and i thought i would write about it because well there is nothing else to do right at this moment plus i would like to get others input on it inside just to see if i am right or not and how they feel about it.

Juniper

its quiet

Its quiet inside for the time being, it is nice really 2 days of screaming and crying is enough to drive anyone over the edge. Everyone has stopped triggering and is now quiet and trying to recover from the ordeal. right now i am sharing with Tyson because momma raine is on and he has not talked to her in a really long time soooooo here we sit lol. Someone was out last night and ate something which gave us a trip to the hospital at 5am, Turns out whatever it was that they ate gave us food poisioning not fun but minor compared to the last 2 days lol. Dree has become a part of the fronting team once again and is doing well she also brought along Terragon who will be a welcome asset to the team as well. Alliance went back to Luther where he wanted to be. Me and a few others have completed the front as in rebuilding what was destroyed when Terror was in power, Now all is back to normal inside which is also a big help because it brings back familiarity which also helps with the triggering effect. we also added a sound system which plays music inside it plays a wide variety so everyone is happy well almost there are those who you just cant make happy no matter what you do. I have been looking over the blog today and i think we need to add stuff to it just not sure what it will be will have to figure it out eventually lol. I also checked out our MP3 player that mike bought us today and got some songs on it and now i have to figure out the video part of it. Today we just laid back and did nothing on the outside except watch Tv and drank pop, Our stomache is feeling better after taking gravol and drinking ginger ale. Mikes sister called today and told mike that his older brother was in the ottawa hospital with heart failure ( we have no remorse for him and hope he does die, we have our reasons) Mike told her he didnt care and she said he was cold so he hung up. we did not wake up until 7pm tonight :| that is a very long time for us to sleep and mike just left us which was really nice of him. We got a letter from our landlord with a list of things about owning a dog in the building so we said fine as long as it goes for every dog in the building and not just ours cause the other day the damn rat dog down the hall was runnin lose and tried to attack mike now mike knows it was only a 3 pound dog but its not the point its the principal, Our dogs have only ever barked at one person they have never chased anyone or growled at anyone nor have they ever ran lose in the building. So we told the landlord as long as the others in the building follow the rules so will we problem we have is ours are pitbulls so they already have restraints on them because of the ban. so now we have the ban rules and the building rules which is no big deal really we are use to it. I installed some new games on the computer today for those who dont really like going online, they are mystery games where you have to find the hidden objects so that should do them for a bit they are interesting i played one tonight and it was actually quite hard but i did eventually figure it out lol then got annoyed so i quit lol i do not have the greatest consentration, well Tyson just took off to paint his daddy blue thanks to the suggestion of none other then Raine herself lmao, well im gonna sign off here for now may post more later may get someone else to do it

Colt

***TRIGGER****

nasty brutal thoughts run all through my head, all day everyday its the same thing....a dark nasty picture of something from long ago floats into my head and i dont want to believe it to be real. it cant be for if it was true then why am i still alive? i should by all rights be dead if these pictures are for real. but i am not dead because when the abuse that i suffered became to much for me to bare i created someone to take my place i then dove inside to the safe place where i remained only to live out the torture i endured repeatedly for the rest of my life. i have cut myself so many times i lost track just to try and get the evil out....to get rid of the nasty dirty dark twisted pictures inside my head....but nothing works...they are there and will remain there until i die....i am scared and will be forever because of my past and what happen to me...i am here only because i was created to take someone elses place who could no longer stand the pain or the torture. so it became my turn to endure as much as possible and to fill a role i was never ready for. but i filled it to the best of my ability i took the cord across my back i took the broom handle across my knees i took the kneeling on the barbed wire for countless hours bleeding all the while. i also endured things that i just cannot post about right now especially here and now but i will say that i have found one person who i would like to say thank you to.....i have never had anyone take time for me before like you have and i want you to know that i really am greatful for it. thats it for now i guess

Dreeandra

its kinda crappy

its kinda crappy inside.....there is yelling and screaming and crying all over the place and im stuck out here and dont know whats going on inside at all. i have been out here most of the day wondering and yet i cant get back in for some reason...i have tried to do it lots of ways and nothing works i get stuck and then i have to quit cause i get tired, so i have been sitting here all day doing everything i can do act "normal" mikes sister noticed me tonight and asked about me....i just told her my throat hurt cause she noticed my voice change then i stopped talking....i dont know whats going on or what to do....they arent fighting or anything that i know of just know that i cant get in and noone can hear me as far as i know...or they just dont want me in there i dont know i guess i will just stay out here till someone comes to get me

Jessie

today......

today is day 7 of our puppy's house training and she has not used the house as a bathroom in that long......yaaaaay for her. she is such a little sweetheart...FOR THE MOST PART : i mean she has her troubles but well shes a baby so you cant fault her for it.....but it has been a whole week with no messes. Our other dog Tater is doing good with her to but does get pissy when the puppy bites her face so we are working on that to. Woke up this morning to little beady eyes crying at us lol someone had to pee....so out the door we go and find it raining really hard which ment the snow was melting which ment it was icy outside not cool we slipped and went head first into our neighbors van then the dogs "trying to help" came over and started licking our face and jade tried pulling us to the door problem is lady ( the puppy) wanted to go the other way so there we are on our back sliding around holding 2 dogs soak and wet the neighbor came out and once he was done laughing he asked what i was doing, so i told him i was trying o dry the ground off so my dogs feet wouldnt be wet when they went in : he laughed and helped me up, we came inside and gave the dogs their treats then the littles wanted popcorn so i got it ready then went in to help Tyrone, I came back out to the little ones eating burnt popcorn with a really horrible look on their face i asked them why they were eating it like that and they told me they didnt want to bug anyone cause they know how busy everyone is :S so i threw it out much to their relief and made them a brand new bag then they watched land before time ( mike wasent home ) and then they colored then it was time for housework and low and behold they all disappeared : so i went around cleaning but i refused to do the toilet, i made Shaney do it lol then i tried to watch a movie but the hydro kept flickering then our internet shut off then we plunged into darkness : i sat by myself infront of a purple candle trying to convince myself that purple is not a girls color and i am still very masculine :P didnt help lol then we went out to mikes sisters house and hung out there for a bit came home felt like crap shaking sweating the works then realized we had not eaten all day and it was nearly midnight so once we ate and took some meds here we are feeling alot better so that is pretty much our day lol not very exciting but hey atleast its a post :P:P

oh and i forgot that the puppy decided while outside that my foot looked like a doggy training pad so she thought it would be a good idea to pee on it : that was very nice of her lol

Mathis

back to order

well we are back to order inside once again, Number 2 is sleeping soundly and everyone seems to be shaking off the "blah" that seemed to be going around inside. System has returned to where he came from in very bad shape but we are in hopes that he will heal from this and move forward. This is the most he has had to take on in quite some time now and it has taken its toll. Today we went to our doctor's apointment only to find out that they had made a mistake and their office was not open. We ended up walking home and going straight to bed where we stayed until 12pm, We awoke got a drink and went to the bathroom took our dog out and went back to bed at 6pm and awoke again at 9pm so in total for 3 days we have had 5 hours sleep......:S not so healthy but then we have never really been ones for sleeping to much anziety in it to be honest. We would like to give this to Raine (((((( Raine )))))) And we do hope that the service was nice atleast. We also hope that the weather has improved since we last spoke and you did not have to pull out the boat as you said you might. Michael has been very understanding through the last few days of us not being in bed ( before he use to get very upset when we did not come to bed, I think now he is beginning to understand our reasons) And tonight we are having a system meeting to straighten out a few things inside and out and put into action a plan so when this happens again we will be more prepared for it. Finally got our bills paid today and we went grocery shopping which was long over due. We were not starving by any means but we did need to stock up again. I do believe that is it for now, Oh in the next few days you may meet some new to the front faces as there is a group coming from level 2 to give a helping hand in restoring the front from the damage caused by Terror and his puppets.

The Crew

TODAY IS

day 3 with no sleep.....its not fun but it has to be done this way.....everyone is worn out and really starting to feel it but if someone were to slip up and sleep we could all not be here tomorrow. This program that is running is nasty BUT Terrence thinks he has got it figured out. So now it is the waiting game he is in the process of shutting it down so lets hope that in a little bit we might be able to go to bed yaaaaay lol. We called today to make a doctors appointment and found out that our doctor has resigned without notice to any of his patients THANK YOU jerk........first doctor we had in 10 years and we have him for 6 months and he takes off.......oh well thats life i guess....we did get an apointment but it is with the family clinic and the doctor that works there is very triggering BUT we need our meds soooooo tomorrow morning at 8:45 we will be at the doctor and then spend the day trying to fight off the effects of the damn doctor....that is another story for a later date......System got into a huge fight with our landlord yesterday over our dogs.....someone in the building complained to the town and the landlord jumped on us about the dogs going out 1 without a leash.......there are 4 other dogs in this building that are 10 times meaner then ours and they get to run free as a bird.......the damned shiht shue thing hairball down stairs attacked our dog........ours ran away YET because of the damned ban WE got the slack about our dogs......soooo it is perfectly fine for everyone elses dogs to attack other dogs, run with no leash, shit where they want, run up and down the hallway barking like mad for 20 minutes to half hour a thousand times a day BUT because our dogs are pitbulls..THEY have to be leashed and muzzled AT ALL TIMES, So in other words if our dogs get attacked because of this stupid ban and the retarded people in this building......the lady's dog downstairs WILL become a football which just might land in the river which is just over the snow bank. I have spoken with Michael today and as soon as our last months rent is paid off we are moving from this building and WILL NOT recommend it to anyone looking for a place to live. Our neighbor is a compulsive complainer, She was here today because our door shut and it woke her up.....gimme a damn break go to a home........We got the slack yesterday for the dog messes outside even though we clean up after our dogs.......we have to listen to the drunks that come in and out at 4am slamming the outside door because our bedroom is right above the lobby.....there are SOOOOOO many more things that are just to much......When the landlord shows up again i will be giving her OUR complaints considering we have not complained about anything since we moved in september 1st......guess now is the time.....plus i am handing a list in of everything we want fixed in the apartment.......see how they like us then. But we will be minding our words so we do not get evicted until the time comes where we find another place to live......WE WANT A HOUSE......so that is what our next goal is.......soon as spring hits we are going to start looking.......so i guess thats it for now

Akira

seems to me

that people in this day and age have a very hard time facing the truth about the world in which we live in. I personally last night managed to piss of atleast 15 people with my views of the world and one person to the point where they actually called our home and comenced chewing me out. Now i was told that "freedom of speech" still runs in this country or whatever it is we live in so why is it that when i express my personal views people have such a hard to accepting it? I am entitled to think what i want and feel as such so why do others what to conform me to their thinking? Why do they get so damn defencive i have never said that ANYONE has to believe my way o thinking nor do i expect anyone to however what i do expect is to be able to speak freely about how i feel when asked and not suffer a lecture for doing so. I do not believe i am a horrible person nor am i cold hearted i myself have just seen the world for what it truely is and frankly i do not like it but i do not like living in fantasy either. I am not asking for people to conform to my way of thinking nor am i asking for them to just agree with me what i am asking is this.....if you strike up a conversation with me be prepared because i am brutally honest and I do not believe in coddling others. I will not conform nor will i change my perspective just to suit your needs. So there it is, If you see the name System up on our messenger it is me, just so you are warned

System

hi

hi im Electric im 8 and im here coz of Number 2, she needs me and so i came to her. the new year has awoken her becoz of the program that they plased in her before she went to sleep. they did not think that we wold get threw everithing else befor the new year and were hoping her program wold finish us of. but thank you to everione who helped us we did make it and ther program failed 98% the 2% is the brusing on owr back and the pain down below also the "hollow" feeling everion has been having. i am thankful to Raine for giving Shanoah the idea she did until i made it here it did help. I will keep her calm until Terrence gets here and then we will put her back to sleep and then everithing shold be fixed i hope. Terrence shold be her soon and we can fix things inside so it can be normal agan. aniwai so thats it i gess bye Electric