when you think about it....just a ramble of sorts

when you come to think about even though you say "i am not out to please anyone in life" you really are to an extent because when you do something and you see the look in the persons eyes if you are a human being with feelings you feel a twinge of guilt over hurting them.....when you do something and no one notices you also feel that twinge of pain deep inside because you did not please yourself......in a system it is pretty much the same thing in a way......you are always out to please someone whether it be inside or in real time.....although i have noticed with a system it seems to hurt alot more due to our background.....you are raised to be a pleaser or you suffered severely for it. doing anything to please yourself or to make yourself feel good is out of the question because the guilt is so overwhelming that it is just not worth it....we have NEVER bought ourselves anything nice or taken ourselves out to a nice dinner or ran ourselves a nice hot bath with bubbles......there is far to much guilt to contend with doing any of it.......we see ourselves as not worth it.....we cannot accept anything like that either because again we feel we are not worthy of it.....all of our clothing is second hand none of it is brand new because we feel we do not deserve brand new.....when doing anything we come last after everyone else is done....meal time at the familys home.....everyone gets their meal first we get whats left it is the same way at M's familys house even in our own home....M comes first then us......we have always been last for as long as i can remember....growing up it was the same way....our brothers first us last....in the system the littles are first and then you have to fight with them because they do not believe they deserve to be first.....today M went out and bought us 2 dragon figurines they are beautiful but the question first and for most was " what do we have to do in return?" it should not be this way....we do deserve nice things and we also deserve to come first at alot of things so why is it that we cannot get over the guilt enough to actually do it? i mean alot inside get to the point of a panic attack if they even think that they might be first at something or think that they want something new......then they start flashing and it all becomes a big mess really....today we have been feeling very depressed and upset and we are not sure what is causeing it......i have noticed however that some of our ISH's have moved closer front which leads me to wonder why....They have not been this close to front in over 2 years so why now? is something going to happen or has something happened further back that is going to effect the front in a few days.....i guess these questions should be asked to someone inside but as of now most everyone is sleeping again. today we slept ALL day we did not get up until 10pm which is unusal for us because sleep comes as a rare blessing on a good night we get 4-5 hours tops but we slept for 15 hours straight for some reason....it felt good but it also brought with it a bit of anziety M didnt mind because we have also not been feeling that good for a few days now....our left leg is swelled and our knee hurts terribly we also have some other issues going on that are not helping any. well i should close for now it is 6am and we should be in bed so i am going to try and sleep some before M gets up.

D