day 5 and counting

im not to sure what to do within Raine gave an idea last night and we are all thinking about it.....we have never tried to call the Ramadons front because everything that is anywhere near them freezes we are not sure of the after affects of them fronting or if they are even awake and if not we dont want to wake them incase thats a bad idea to everything we try to do to make it safer front gets destroyed somehow.....some of the ones front with me are not so friendly and getting hard to deal with they are bugging the littles and middles to no end until they cry and scaring them and if anyone else stands up to them they threaten to either do harm to the body or lead the dark ones to us and help them take over....im doing my best along with the others that are with me we wanted to try pr*ying but a few are leary of making things worse because we know that a few that were front did not like religion at all so we dont know if it will make things worse so i guess we will see how it all pans out

run run as fast as you can.....

its that time of year again.....time to set up the walls, the forts, the cages, the lights and all the other fun stuff that goes along with this time of year....knowing full well it dont matter what you do to prepare yourself its never enough....something always happens that was not expected and you were not ready for and now you have to deal with it the best way you can and see fit to do and hope that all goes well and is over as soon as possible. that never seems to happen here though something crops up and BAM we are thrown into hell on earth and there was no way of knowing it was coming....all that tends to be left is few little ones who end up hurting more then ever and having more secrets to hide from more terror to keep them quiet.....most to all protectors are gone to who knows where and whether their even coming back all the while a very dark cloud hangs over and it seems to go on forever.....you are thrown into a world you never thought possible and now you stand looking around wondering what you did this time to cause so much pain felt within....you do your best to make light of whats happening so the little ones that are left do not give up and retreat to the dark ones yet you yourself sit and wonder if going back to the dark ones would just be soooo much easier you know that thinking is wrong yet it seems soooo much easier to simply give in and go with them. you start working on the lights up front and the safe room created but come to find it has been destroyed by ev*l and is now in shambles now your lost and dont know what to do....this has only reenforced your previous thinking about giving in but you dont you start the thinking process and figure out what your next step is the little ones are crying and hiding everyone who use to be here is gone you have never been front at all in your entire life now you are thrown into it also having to take care of inside to it starts breaking you down physically and mentally and your not to sure what to do. everything that everyone else use to do has been thrown on your plate and you are now responsible for EVERYTHING that goes on both inside and out so here you are brand new to the fronting thing and you are now the sole person to run everything without anything breaking down and stopping the dark ones from taking full control. you yourself have MANY issues with this time of year yet you now have to set all of that aside and try to funtion with everything else and not let what happen in 1994 happen again ok so here it is i stand alone to face all of this and well to be honest i hope i can make it we are on day 4 of the dark side saga and i honestly hope it dont last long

coming down

wolf is bring the entire system down its not good she is so depressed it is affecting all of us it is hard enough to funtion around this time of year and she is not helping any i think this whole ordeal with her brother pushed her over the edge im not sure how to contain her feelings from the system but we need to figure something out because this is insane

im not sure how many come here but just incase you didnt get the message there is an e-mail about it so please read i do not want anyone walking blindly into something no more contact is to be made with the brother until further notice now i know this is going to hurt alot of you because of the neices issue but this is Wolf's health at steak please be advised this is serious you can still call the neices but only when the brother is at work no other time is it allowed and be sure Wolf is near by when you do so she can atleast hear them so she knows they still love her.

Saul

hi

hi im jessa and im 9 i dont no what 2 do here i just got here 2dai and im lost i dont lik being alon but i am what can i do abowt it this was on the scren so i cam here 2 find anione but noone is here wer do i find somone 2 talk 2? jessa

its here

that time of year is lurking again and you know what i think we would be alright if next month didnt exsist if it went away forever we would be fine minus the spats here and there i think we would servive a whole lot better it seems O*tober lingers forever and doesnt go away or takes forever to leave then we have to deal with the aftermath of the month its all so much work and you can never really prepare for it no matter how hard you try something always seems to happy that you were not counting on and did not prepare for stupid month stupid ab*se around this month damnit

finally settleing in

we are settleing in nicely here and it is just that nice. We live by our own rules and do as we please with no recourse from anyone or anything. we have sattelite and internet and now we have our phone so its all falling together atleast maybe this is the up we needed to get on with life and grow as a person/persons. anyway thats all for now i guess

finally

in our own place finally gettin set up its a bitch cuz there is so much confusion on whos who and whats what but we are getting there slow and sure lol its not as big a mess as it was yesterday actually its pretty clean ( we let the obsessive clean people out for a day lol) looks really good got more stuff to move in but it all takes time rome wasnt built in a day so Tyrone says so yeah there it is WE ARE IN

well heres life for you

well our place we were suppose to get fell through the landlord backed out on us fuckin jerk two weeks before we were suppose to move in we went to see him to give our deposit and he tells us oh well hold on to it because i might have the place sold Tyrell looked at him like " and when the hell were you gonna tell us about it?" he says the house is to much for him blah blah blah but we did manage to find an apartment atleast its not huge but we can have the dog and its a nice secure building where people cant get in unless they buzz you so thats a good thing. had a bout with fleas on Jade which isnt cool cuz they can flare up her mange if left untreated then she has to be put down wont have internet in a couple days for about 2-2 1/2 weeks which sucks ass but hell you do what you gotta do to get stable, once we are stable Raven wants to have a baby with mike so we will see what happens anyway enough for now more later

one more kick in the face.......

well here we go again we got a month before our place comes up and low and behold we have nowhere to live again, thought the people we moved in with were cool but they aint they turned out to be a bunch of users like everyone else in our life so far we have spent 150 bucks in 2 weeks feeding 5 people when we were only suppose to be feeding us and mike.....say something and here we sit in 6 days we gotta be out all because Tyrone said that we were not their house maid and we were not their grocery store....seems to be typical of our life lately anyway not much more to say just hoping and praying we make it a month

ok bloggin a bit

ok so here goes,

im alive all tha rest are alive but to say we are doin ok would be a lie, we have now moved 5 hours away from everythin we know an trust to a place we know nuthin about an dont know anyone which sucks BIG TIME but....we didnt have a choice in tha matter inside was hell outside was hell an we were 2 steps from bein locked up in tha phych ward for a breakdown not cool.....we do have our own place set up but cant get it till sept 1st which right now is an eternity away but we are dealin one day at a time, We did get ta keep tater so that was cool but had ta give up tha fish an tha hamster but thats life still wit mike he aint bad now but he almost got choked out a month ago but that was his families fault well i should go cuz well we are very tired an livin hell inside wit flashbacks/bady memories/gettin stuck back there/ oh an tha voices thats another story for later interestin but weird well see ya

Tyrell Adrian Adams

yet another update

well not as good as the last one and it doesnt seem like many care but thats ok Raine does and thats all that matters to us right now at this point. not being rude but hey thats life. mikes mom passed away on the 17th of last month and all hell broke lose now we need to get out and get out now because of his family they are pushing and not letting up bank said no to the morgage cant find a home to live in they are selling this one and our car is screwed. had to sell the sled to fix the car and still did not get enough to fix whats wrong. hurt our back now we are on 3 more meds for pain have to have x-rays on monday. pension wont pay for a back brace and they are like 400 dollars here so yeah all our friends moved away and now we are alone, they are to far away to drive to and we cant afford the gas anyway, to much pain to sit at the comp for a long period of time so here it is like the last one said if you want to talk to us text us and we can come on but unless that happens you wont see us

Jack T K

update

ok here it is well first off our comp died 2 months ago havent had one since but got a cell so we can be text still if anyone cares lol comp should be running tonight at some point, we have our own car now along with a lisence lmao most of our bills are gone we dont owe anyone sept ron and well we always owe him so its normal. bought a 4 by 4 truck to haul our new sleds around working on getting a morgage for our own home banks being a jerk but "good things come to those who wait" or so im told. we now have 50 baby fish along with all the other fish we already had plus a hamster that bites (little jerk) our best friend julie is moving 5 hours away to finally make herself happy with her new b/f ( im proud of her) brothers are moving to calgary b/f's good we are good the weather has alot to do with it i think its beautiful here our dog is good sister in law had her baby Cathrine Grace 7 pounds 13 ounces born april 2nd anyway will post more later have things to do on the go all the time later

Wonderings part 2

 Do fish fart?
Does dirt have feelings?
do snails get mad cause they can only go slow?
do skunks wish they didnt stink?
do giraffifs get sore necks?
do bears actually like fish or do they eat it cause they have to?
does garbage decompose after 1000 years?
do people in coma actually hear you speaking to them?
do dogs get headaches?
do hummingbirds wings get tired?
when dogs chase their tails is it for fun or is it cause they dont know what it is?
why do cats love catnip so much?
why do fiddler crabs only walk sideways?
does it hurt when a porcupine loses its quills?
why do old men grow hair out of their ears?
do dust mites have a brain?
do spiders ever get tired of making really pretty webs?
do rats like living in the sewers?
does the blood in a possum rush to its head from hanging upside down?
why do bats always turn left coming out of a cave?

yet another post

 well well well this seems like an interesting place to write some things so here goes....

i have sat back the last few months in observence of the system as they are and im leary on how things run up here, now i come from deep within and things there are run with a very tight regiment and to violate that results in action that well to say the least is not very pleasing. We have all ages there and in total there is about 30 or so of us. Everyone there has their title and duty and they are to follow them to the T without mistake.I have noticed up here things are different and that it still seems to somewhat run smoothly for the most part ( not counting lately) Now what i dont understand is if someone here acts out or is misbehaving the punishment is minimal and there is no severity to it at all. How does this work? Our entire life was based around severity and torturous means to get us "with the program" and yet up here at front it is not run like that at all and it puzzles me as to why. Here at front perfection is not high on the list, proper edicate is also not on the list and when showering up front it is ok to have warm water and normal soap and shampoo, pets are allowed, crying is allowed many many many things we were taught was against the rules have been over turned up front and its free range talking is also allowed here. And it makes me wonder what happen to the designated rules we were taught growing up. It has all seemed to vanish and in its place ( at very front anyway) is some smiling faces and some content people. Now do i take these findings back to where i come from and try to set them there or will it create a bigger problem then needed or wanted by those who live there?

Sean

what we have discovered

We seem to have discovered that we have slowly become shut ins of a sorts, We do not leave our bedroom. We shower and its back to the bedroom, We eat and usually we make it and eat it in our room, We do the house chores then its back to our room and that is where we live our life. in a room about 20 feet by 8 feet. This has become our home for some reason and i dont understand why. We leave it to go to the outside world and find ourselves within an hour panicing because we have been out of our room for so long. The family and friends wonder what has happen to us because they ask us to come visit and most times we say we are busy when really we just dont want to leave our room. We do go out on occasion but only to find we get very panicy and scared this is the first time this has ever happened to us we normally love the outside world, the sunshine the fresh air the sounds all of it is so calming yet for the last few months the outside world has become very terrifieing and we do not understand why it has come to be this way. I find us getting very depressed in this tiny little cramped up room but depression is a whole lot more easier to deal with then the anziety and panic we feel when we leave it. Inside has become very very quiet and not to many are around at this point in time. we got word today that our disability has come through and we will be recieving it in a month or so, That is suppose to be great news to all but it seems the news has settled and it has made us very depressed. I believe it to be because that means that they reconize us as who we are and they dont want us around "normal" people so to speak. we have one real life friend who knows all about us good and bad and some online friends but thats about it. I do not understand this deep sadness running through the system and i sure dont like how it feels on me as a person. I know the h*l*days are coming and that is a part of why the sadness is there but it should not feel like this at all not now. Our T is gone and will not be back till january 3 and did not leave a number for us to call. The b/f keeps asking what is wrong and we have to say nothing because we honestly just dont know. He doesnt know about us as a system yet for fear of the all famous rejection we have gotten so many times in our life. We know we should tell him eventually but we have only been with him 8 months and we find that way to early to tell right now. Tyrone says wait a year and see what happens. The topic of int*rgr*tion came up at last nights meeting and all seem to be thinking about it we really do not have a life on the outside like some systems do because of living in such a small town EVERYONE knows "Wolf" and if "she" acts out of "normal" behaviour people are calling and asking whats going on and blah blah blah so we hide away and when we manage to get time completly alone then the littles, middles and teens can have their time out. That is not what i call a life, It is not fair but we through the idea out and if anyone feels they want to just "meld" so to speak that is their choice noone is forcing anyone to do anything. I am guessing next year we may be a little bit happier but i am not holding my breath on it because our life has never been easy there is always consiquences when something good happens to us, We got our disability sooooooo when does the bad hit.........We are just sitting quietly waiting for it thats all we can do. I tried to leave the house today to go into town and the anzity hit me so bad that Wesley had to take over to get us back in the house. I have spoken to the Guardians about this and they seem to think some are moving closer to front which could be the cause of the anziety/panic. Only time will tell what is going on. The littles are very upset at this point because we put a bunch of baby fish in with our goldfish so they could have room to grow and it seems the goldfish have eaten all but 5 of the babies. Goldfish are not suppose to do that but these ones did and now we have very upset littles because the babies are "gone". We are burnt out because the b/f is sick and we have been trying to look after him and of course steady watch at front plus the h*l*days and our best protector is still down has been for a few months now and we have no idea when hes coming back if he is at all. We have also learned that outside the T we have no actual support system ( people wise ) Those who we thought were friends are now talking with other people and do not have time for us. It is not a big deal as far as i see it because as far as my own personal opinion goes the less people we 
talk to the less chance of being hurt. Others do not see my way of thinking and its a shame really
because i can see them getting hurt again and again and again until they give up totally and lock
themselves away forever. Well i am going to close for now

Shailea

just a post

well havent really seen much of anyone around lately....yesterday saw Raine and sera online but both marked as away and then they disappeared....mindy dont come on much if at all and well Sj seems to have vanished off the face of this earth. The above list is all the online people we talk to and in real life we talk to the b/f and very rare the family. so i guess now we know how sera was feeling when her schedule didnt meet anyone elses and she felt so alone. That is how we are starting to feel but with us for the most part (well the ones who sit front now) our life was based on silence it was safer that way and believe it still is. We at front dont mind the silence but others within who are lacking their communication with others are starting to feel the effects of it. They only trust a select few people and those people are gone or so it seems that way to them anyway. Holidays are rough and busy and not much time is slotted for much of anything except chr*stm*s many people feel the same way or worse so in that aspect we dont feel alone. Tyrone predicted this was going to happen because as read in a post somewhere not long ago when the chatrooms disappeared so did those who said they were friends for the most part. Everyone has also as said in a post "gotten a life of sorts" and that to plays a roll in this place and time we call "life" we have a life plan ahead but we are playing the waiting game right now and cant make a move till most likely next year then things may break for us for the good this time. But we have also been told not to get our hopes up to high incase things dont go as hopefully planned. the holidays are sneaking up very very fast and we finally a week before the day we got a "holiday safety plan" in effect for us as a system. It seems to be working for the time being and i am glad for that soon the stress will be gone and we can get back to our "normal" life and start working on the things ahead. Hope all is well with anyone who reads this post please take care and be safe

Wesley

why?

 ok this is just a ramble.....

why? why is it that so many people love christmas so much? i mean you have to spend hundreds of dollars on presents for people and most of the time they dont even appreciate it, or they do but only use their gift 3-5 times and then its packed away for years and years to come and eventually it becomes a 10 dollar yard sale item. the stores jack up their prices to make proffit and to just plain out take people for all they can and yet people still pay astronomical prices just to make their loved ones happy. it has all become a money grabbing fake holiday filled with people that push and shove and get extremly stressed out all over one day of the year. you spend hours cooking and cleaning setting stuff up for people to not even notice half the time and all this fuss and muss for one whole day then you have an entire year of trying to catch up on bills and things you missed or set aside just for one day that 9 times out of 10 gave you a bad stomache and possibly gain 10-15 pounds that you now have to spend 6 months trying to get rid of. you spend prolly 20-30 dollars on christmas cards alone just so people can read them and a couple of days 
later they end up in the garbage. it just doesnt make any sence to me at all spend
money you dont have on people who dont appreciate it and most times you dont even get a
thank you in return, family comes together and if your family is like mine 1/2 hour in the same room and a fight breaks out over who spent more on who and how many presents each other got.
then its on to supper that someone always has to complain about and then the mess afterwards that needs to be cleaned up. then its pack up all your stuff go home and clean there, put stuff away drink a bottle or 2 of pepto bismal then its to bed to dream about all the money you lost and think of ways you have to work it back up so your bills can get paid and things can go back to semi normal. my personal opinion is its all a waste of time and money and its not worth the time or the effort to do it all but they do it it because its expected of you and thats pretty much the only reason we do it i wish we could just wake up and it be over and never come back.

wonderings.....(if thats a word lol)

 ok this blog is not looking for answers or anything just a couple of things i wonder about is all....

i wonder if fish sleep?
if they do, do they dream?
if so, what would they dream about?
do they like each other  ( of the same species) or do they tolorate each other?
do they like the other fish their with or again is it a toloration?
what do they think when they see us staring at them?
when you cry does your dog know your crying or is it just an instinct to comfort you?
do they really care or is it just because?
why do you cry when you get VERY frustrated or sometimes angry?
why do some people base their entire life on what they look like?
why do some people base their life around how much money they make?
and why do they like to rub it in other peoples faces?
why are some people really really poor?
why dont people like helping other people anymore?
why do people get obsessed with certain things and not others?
why do people read when going to the bathroom?
why can people move one eyebrow at a time when other people cant?
why do people bite their nails?
why do people drink coffee?
why are some people vegitarians?
why are some people strictly meat eaters?
what causes people to have phobias?
why are some peoples houses messy/cluttered and others are spotless?
why to some people are matirial objects more important then their family/friends?
why do some people get sad in the winter time but not in the summer?
why do dogs lay on their backs?
why do some people beat other people up for no reason?
why do some people make fun of other people?
why is it people ask for your opinion but never take it seriously?
why do some people make a great big deal out of another person making a mistake?
and then they tell everyone how much of a screw up you are?
why do people like hurting animals?
why do some people enjoy hurting little kids?
and why do they get away with it most times?
why do they say the justice system is for the victim when really its not?
why do some people prefer to live their life in solitude?
why do some people prefer to live with people 24/7?
why do some people get mental illness while other people dont?
why do some people get physical illness when others dont?
why do some people live a really long time, yet other die really young?
why is it some people prefer music over t.v and vise versa?
why is it you can become really good friends with someone thousands of miles away but cant be friends with someone who lives five minutes away?
why do some people get on with their life and leave their friends/family behind?
why can some people learn things really fast where others take a really long time to learn anything?
why is it the rich get richer and the poor get poorer?
why do some parents beat their kids on a regular basis, where others only do it once?
and when they do it once it most of the time results in death?
why can some people be friends for a lifetime yet others only a few months?
why do some people feel the need to be in total and complete control?
and yet others feel the need to be controlled?

if you can answer any of these questions thats cool or even just your opinion is cool to this is the end of my wonderings for now

Yerning

not that it matters much......an update

not to sure how or why im writing this because i personally dont think it matters much.....life in a whole right now is shitty very very shitty...not due to the old man but due to other rising issues that just wont go away and only seem to get worse. the h*lidays are coming very very close and well noone within can deal with it and i mean pretty much noone they s*ck in the worst way possible. we have no money to get presents for anyone including the little ones and the middles because of bills that HAD to be paid so christmas is not going to be good for them at all. we have heard nothing of our settlement and the hearing was the 16th of last month. the old mans family is backstabbing us continueously and the elders are becoming leary of someone fronting and doing damage control to his family and we dont want or need that right now. Wolf's family is all breaking up for the holidays and we really dont want to spend them with the old mans family so i think we are going to just take off somewhere till its over. we dont come online much if at all because there is noone ever on to talk to anymore. the system depression as a whole is getting worse and we have done med increase and we are also doing the special lighting because according to the pychiatrist we ( some of us anyway) suffer from S.A.D ( it stands for something but i cant remember it right now) so we have to use a light for half an hour in the morning and half an hour before bed to "bring up our mood" anyway will write more later mabye till them later.

Jozolynn